“GOD TO PEOPLE: PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER.” The shocking announcement that Almighty himself would be making an appearance on earth was slightly over shadowed in the tabloids by news of the unfortunate birth of Britney Spears' deformed baby.
The front page banner headlines now read, “SPEARS GIVES BABY HEAD, FIVE TIMES.” While the impending visit of the Lord was relegated to page three, beside a topless woman.
The news from God came as general earthly merriment had hit an all time low. People were getting tired of drinking, fucking and the new season of 24. Fads briefly filled the holes in existence. But these short lived distractions merely served to desensitise and dilute.
Sure skydiving was fun. For a while. But people wanted more. Skydive higher, faster, longer, getting married, naked, on fire, with machine guns, whilst fucking, singing, underwater, without a parachute, with a bigger parachute, in a car, with a fridge, giving birth, head butting, mind melding, from a balloon, from a plane, from a helicopter, from the space shuttle, from the International space station, from the moon, in a barrel. And then, no one was skydiving anymore.
Humanity had put hardcore decadence in a rocket ship and blasted it to planet overkill. And while some were being slapped in the face by tsunami and lets be honest, loving the interruption, others were not so fortunate. Questions formed in their minds. The type of questions that were hard to answer.
So instead of “did she just shake her tic tacs at me?” it was “why am I here to witness the shaking of the tic tacs? And what exactly is me? What exactly is important?” Though the minty mouth suppositories remained popular, frustration became the new sauce that coated the prawn cocktail of the mind.
Blame had to be assigned for the lack of answers and the resulting irritation. And after an initial misguided campaign against the Chinese, all fingers of culpability were pointed directly at God. Considering his omnipresence, all fingers no matter where they pointed were pointed directly at God and also directly away from God, which agitated some hot heads even more. “Fuck you God,” they screamed, “Fuck you to your very core.”
And so the Lord decided that enough was enough, and through various means of communication, burning bushes, prophets, crying statues, e-mail, talking trees etc. God declared that the time had come.
He would clear the matter up entirely.