Friday, April 22, 2005

Another Story by Kelly

As my eyes opened my brain felt the searing pain, which could only be the result of natural light. I didn’t know where my wallet was or my phone. In fact, I was pretty sure I didn’t know where I was! I thought perhaps having one for the road should be grounds for summery execution.
As my eyes finally focused after many aborted attempts, I confirmed that yes in fact I didn’t know where I was. Still after a quick check I confirmed no visible wounds or missing limbs and so declared the night before an unmitigated success. As I struggled to sit up I couldn’t help but feel there was something a miss? Here I was sitting in a field looking at an abandoned single roomed house. Not my usual Sunday morning! Still the fact that I could sit up was an advantage over most Sundays.
A few more minutes pasted by as I struggled to piece together the shattered remains of my memories of last night. I suddenly noticed a young woman lying roughly 100 meters up the field. ‘She is wearing more clothing then I like,’ I thought but perhaps she can help me figure out where the hell I am and how I got here?
As I struggled to my feet I noticed that she was also getting up. She was quiet attractive but had a slightly sneering expression, but I did notice that she had her good points.
“H... Hello” I slurred struggling to keep my balance. “I appear to be a little lost and I am unsure how I got here. Could you per chance enlighten me?”“House” she said.
“Ahhhhhh, not quiet sure what you are trying to tell me” I said.“House” she said again pointing to the abandoned house in the corner of the field.
Without another word she started walking towards it. With nothing left to do and the chance off falling down a distinct possibility I decided to follow.“Not really a talker, are you?” I said as we walked. “Perhaps we should walk away from the strange looking abode. The opposite direction looks quiet nice”.“House” she said again.
“God damn it woman, what the hell is wrong with you? All I want is some civilized coherent conversation about what the hell is going on and all I get from you is HOUSE. This is just great I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with a woman who has the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey”.She simply ignored me and continued to walk. When we reached the house we could see it had stood for quiet a number of years. It had Stone walls, a mud floor and no evidence of any windows.
“Hallo” I shouted which earned me an evil look from my companion.”What?” I said as she walked into the house. As we looked inside the house, we noticed evidence that some one had been there recently: a half-eaten chicken leg and some rags. ‘Could be a hobo’, I thought, ‘or an escaped lunatic?’
Suddenly I heard a noise from outside. I rushed out only slightly behind my female companion and turned to hear footsteps walking along the side of the house. I crept up to the corner where the footsteps were approaching.
‘I don’t know what is walking towards us but there is no way I am going down without a fight’ I thought as I hear the person approach the corner. I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this unknown enemy. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘oh ya, lets see you chop me up with an axe after this, you escaped lunatic?’ When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six-year-old girl now lay sprawled out on the ground.
My first thought was that I should really aim my punches higher as that one would merely have hit a fully grown axe welding lunatic in the chest. And my second was how the hell did a six year old girl get out here?
“What the hell are you doing you idiotic moron. How the hell does a simpleton like you even remember to breathe?” said a voice from behind me. I was shocked to realize that it was the voice of my female companion.“Wha...” I said.
“Is that all you have to say for yourself” She shouted, “ you just punched my six year old girl in the face and you can think of nothing better to say then WHA.”
“Ahhh” I muttered.
“Ahhh” she mimicked “Suddenly you have the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey? What in the hell is wrong with you?”
“I thought you didn’t talk?” Which at that moment I felt would have been a good think.
“I didn’t say anything earlier because I had just woken up in a field, my daughter was missing and a drunken idiot was staggering towards me staring at my chest.”
“Oh right. I was just checking to see if you were all in one piece.”
“Yes and we both know what piece you mean. I’m taking my daughter in side to clean her up do you think you can work on figuring out where we are?”‘Gods’ I thought ‘I punch one six year old in the face and suddenly I’m the bad guy.’
Still perhaps a little exploring will help clear my head. As I walked away from the house I heard an ear-shattering scream of terror from inside. I turned and ran in the door to see……….
As my eyes opened my brain felt the intense pain, which could only be the result of artificial light. I didn’t know where my wallet was or my phone. In fact I was pretty sure I didn’t know where I was! On second thought I realized I was still in the toilet of the pub. ‘Shit’ I thought ‘maybe I should head home’. But on second thoughts perhaps I should have one for the road?


  1. Punching 6 year old girls in the face NEVER gets old. You deserve applause Kelly. Applause.

  2. foshizzle snizzle my kelly-ksnizzle. There be a biatch up in the hizzouse.

  3. Hello Kelly.
    Well done.
    A true story i'm sure.The theme of punching six year old's is at once startling and life-affirming.
    I believe it represents the need for bread in all of us.
    Particularly white bread.
    I intend to post some work on the theme of people matter but am waiting for an online rendez-vous with my legs.

  4. I just ran from Berlin so make this quick. We need a nap.

  5. Muah Muah Muah, this is some funny shit

  6. Did you guys read the comments 'anonymous' left on my blog and Sabi's blog? he's a real bastard. Be careful in case he comes here.

  7. I'll check it out... Nice picture.

  8. Cheers. New hat, new me. Well, not quite.

  9. Yeah that anonymous guy can go fuck his mother.

  10. Still an angry bitch, I see.
    I'm posting in a while, which hopefully should cheer you up. Oh Yeah.