Tuesday, April 05, 2005

It Turned It's Head & Looked Directly At Me

It's that time of the year again folks, Spring. Sun, warmth, love, the smell of freshly cut grass and most important of all, it's that BIG SPIDER time of year.
Picture this. A young man still living at home with his parents. He was sheltered all of his life from the dark, creepy, nasties life had crawling around in the dark. He is happy in spite, or because, of his youthful ignorance. For him every day was warm and bright, fresh with blossoming ideas and opportunities ready to explode his life into even greater happiness. But all this soon changed, one moon lit night.
This young man, who we'll call Bob, was preparing for bed. He hopped down the hall to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth and smiled at the friendly face in the mirror. After combing his hair, which he always does before bed, he bounded back up the hall to his bedroom, very excited to be sleepy and even more excited at the prospect of being asleep. His door creaked open. This was unusual because Robert, I mean Bob, always oiled his hinges. A slow, inexplicable shudder ran up his spine, making his hair stand on end. The room was dark. A wheezy breeze created an eerie compliment to a stray cat howling outside his window. Oh, Bob felt suddenly weak, but he managed to lift his finger sufficiently to flick the light switch.
Click. The room remained dark for what felt like a dogs lifetime. Bob was anxious. The bedrooms atmosphere was heavy with death and black. Crack. A beam of light broke the black blinding poor Bob. More light whipped through the room exposing Bob's youthful, naked body. His eyes were screaming at him to shut his eyelids and let them die while they are still weak and miserable. But Bob persisted. "Damn you eyes, obey me and reveal what evil lurks beyond on my ceiling".
Boom. Bobs two frightened eyes pissed their sockets when they saw the monstrosity that had blocked the electric light. A BIG SPIDER, who fattened himself through the winter on Bobs scraps and heat, stood like an upside down monolith on the ceiling, casting a thousand glares from a thousand eyes around the room. It was like a little, hairy Freddy Kruger, flexing half it's legs which were the size of human fingers, ready to fight. It screamed a scream which, if
amplified to human standards, would shatter brains.
Bob could not stand any longer and collapsed in a yellow heap. The spider leaped through his bedroom wall, demolishing that side of the house, and galloped across the country-side. There were reports, days later, of a mythical creature attacking herds of horses in Kerry. This is what it is like every year, fighting the unending battle against those that wish to destroy the good souls of well endowed men.
So, lock up your virgins, mothers and fathers or the BIG SPIDERS will get them.


  1. This line actually made me laugh out loud. Not a "lol" but an actual laugh.

    "More light whipped through the room exposing Bob's youthful, naked body."

    Fair fucks.

  2. I'm gonna come back and eat your face.

  3. I think it is really quite interesting that the BIG SPIDER grew fat on Robs, sorry Bobs, heat. Were they sleeping together?