Sunday, April 17, 2005

It was so cool

I was coming home from college on friday and had one of the most defining moments of my life.

I was purposefully striding out of college, gravel crunching under foot and storm clouds forming over head. Suddenly a bee flew past me. At first he didn't register me but then stopped dead and began to hover, then he slowly began to rotate untill he was face to face with me.

We locked eyes, neither of us backed down. I knew what he was thinking "I can't wait to suck the nectar right out of his brain." No fucking way was that going to happen. As quick as a lightning bolt I raised my arm. It was level with the bees evil, fluffy face. He flinched ever so slightly, not knowing what was coming next. I extended my index finger and exclaimed "Fuck you, bee!". Before he could fully register what magnificient insult had just escaped my crimson lips, I punched that fluffy, buzzy fucker in the face!

As he spiraled away from me unnable to regain his equilibrium I raised my fists to the heavens and shouted "Fuck bees!" and continued on my way home.

Half way home the heavens opened and decided to precipitate. I raised my hood. Then lifted my clenched fists towards the dark tempest above my head and declared "Fuck you, hydrological cycle!" and continued on my merry way home.

As I approached my domicile the rain abated and I lowered my hood. My brother waved to me from the window, I joyfully waved back and clearly said "fuck you, brother."

31 comments:

  1. I'll fuck you up if you come near me.

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  2. Hello ian, i am M.
    i am known to robert.
    I extracted a small amount of pleasure from your story. Like you i am a business student and i too am in a state of becoming. I hope that this poem will bring you the enjoyment that your story brought to me.
    During the altercation a six year old girl, dressed in her communion dress, was accidently glassed in the face.
    One onlooker was so openly distraught by the tragedy that he began to milk himself.

    Thank you ian, for your time and your story.
    M

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  3. Get back to work M

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  4. Hello bond. we have meet once before. Paris 1970, octopussy's swinging couples party. As i recall you were orally raped by a large belgian.
    M

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  5. hE IS cOMING tHAT sHALL cORRUPT tHE bLOGGS. yOU sHALL kNOW hIM bY tHE DISGUST HE dOTH sHARE. hIS NAME iS nOT mY nAME.
    tHE rAT

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  6. Man all we need is one of Q's super-cool, secret agent dildos and we'd have a party on our hands.

    Oh and we'd need someone to escort the rat out, no one likes an idiot.

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  7. Hello mr rat.
    I wish you the best of luck with your endeavours. However, perhaps you would be more succesful in your efforts if you began your comment with a greeting. Hello or hi would suffice.
    I believe you'll find that people will take you more seriously if you take a more gentlemanly approach.

    Your friend
    M

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  8. Yes ian that sounds like quite a lark. I believe you may be a bit to hard on the rat. I mean it can't be easy having a name like that. I suggest we rename him Henry or Gerald.
    M

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  9. I like using capital letters in the correct place, Henry.

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  10. Well then gerald glad to have you on board.And what about that party ian?
    M

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  11. Well M, I'm afraid Rob handles most of the party arrangements around these parts, I'm just an ideas man so we are going to have wait for him to rouse from his slumber. Maybe Jessie will get involved too...

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  12. Perhaps we could go game shooting in an underprivileged area or something. Or go flame-throwing in a halting site. I despise those people don't you?

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  13. Henry, are you still there?
    M

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  14. i dONT lIKE tINKERS. gERALD

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  15. I try to be accepting of all races, creeds and persuasions of people. Perhaps we could all log on to live-shot.com and kill us some deer. Maybe if we pay them enough, they will allow us shoot people.

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  16. Yes henry but you must call them travellers or itinerants.
    they live according to a tradition which intails travelling around the country thieving, raping and destroying. much like the vikings. we should thank our lucky stars for there contribution to the economy,the culture and the overall society of this fair isle.
    M

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  17. I wish i could shoot a deer but unfortunately i lost the use of my hands and my internet connection in a bizarre ski-ing accident.
    M

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  18. As a youth i was prone to fondling my grandmothers walking stick

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  19. Hello atrocity, what happenened to the stick?
    M

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  20. after she died it was used to light the fire on the boat that took her to val halla.I still dream about it. the walking stick.

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  21. Good night gentlemen. the sky is bruised and i am forced to camp.
    M

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  22. I'd like get involved, definitely. But I hate hunters, so I suggest, like anonymous said, to declare ourselves pirates, loot villages, burn down women and rape houses.

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  23. Yes, hunting is an ignoble sport, for weaklings.

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  24. Shit, I forgot to comment about the post in the first place!!! I love it. In short: Fuck you message, fuck you Blogger, fuck you Ian.

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  25. Hmmmm, Gerald & Jessie getting it on?

    Oh ya, if this is what I think it is, WHERE IS JESSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You've all built up high expectations for daly, and I doin't think the man can deliver now. He ain't a performer under pressure, just leave him be...

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  26. Wuuh Phant?

    Because I'm mega-lazy, I actually can't perform unless i'm under ultra-pressure.

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  27. Hello Mrs. Ian's Mother
    I'm here to handcuff Ian and Play Soul Calibur with him. Please send him out.


    (if it is alright can I post links to your blog on my page b/c you guys are hysterical)

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  28. Hysterical!? Thats like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to us. Well to me anyway. Thanks for linking us Sabi.

    Oh and my mommy says I can come out to play as long as you allow me bring my riding crop.

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  29. Dear Mrs Ian's mother,

    I join my friend Sabi in her request to free your son from his bedroom. Please let him go, now. He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy. And we want to be naughty with him. I'd like to state that Sabi also know some porn stars. I am likely to become one.

    Sincerely,

    Jessie

    Ps: 31 comments!! you fucking kick ass, mate.

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