Saturday, April 23, 2005

Last Nights Stand-Up Routine

"Hi, hahaha... Thanks everyone for coming. Thanks. Awe man, I'm all saliva tonight. Yea, whenever I talk, I spit. Jesus, it's crazy.... This problem. Did anyone of you guys ever know anyone LIKE THAT?"
The audience all cheer. This comment has such a profound affect on a woman at the back of the audience that she instantly gains 120 pounds.
"Heh, well, that's me folks. I'm that friend who spits.... Jesus, I'm at it right now. The microphones all covered with spit. And it's dripping onto my shoe. Goddamn it. Jesus... hehehe... I would hate to have to put up with me. Listen to this, right. I was at dinner last night... IN NEW YORK CITY BABY, YEAHHHHHHH!"
The crowd mentailise instantly. A guy in the balcony guffawed so hard he shoots off like a rocket through the venues ceiling.
"Yea, New York is great. But I was having dinner with some friends and I'm talking and spitting, obviously. Heh. And my friends are all covering their food and shit, you know. Hunched over their plate with one arm around it, trying to eat as much of it as possible before I, like, liquefy their food with my spit."
At this, the crowd go fucking crazy. One fat woman in the front row, the back of her head explodes from laughter covering her husband with brains.
"Yea, another friend got her umbrella out and held it between me and the plate. Heheheheh. Before dessert, she had to go outside to shake it like she was just coming in from the rain or something."
A set of twins in the third row, on hearing this, hoot so hard that they transmogrify into one person.
"Hahaha, yeah. I spit a hell of a lot."

24 comments:

  1. So you're routine went well then Rob?

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  2. I was on fire. Yea. The crowd hated the show so much they set me alight.
    I just wrote up the highlight.

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  3. Yeah it took me like 15 minutes to pry myself out of the ceiling. I''m going to have to wash my hair.

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  4. That DID cheer me up. Even tough it's quite bizarre. You should describe when they set you alight, it could be good fun as well. I predict you manage to extinguish the fire with your incredible saliva, and that's why you made it just in time to post this.

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  5. If you've ever seen Lee Evans on a rampage than this is the material he should be using.

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  6. Lee Evans is more sweaty than spitty though.

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  7. When they set me alight after the show, I flailed around banging into dumpsters and falling over. The crowd were all heckling me, saying stuff like "now THIS is entertaining" and "go home and cry to you mommy".
    just when I thought that this was it, this is what the end feels like, a smelly blanket was thrown over me. I rolled around and the fire was extinguished. Poof.
    Breathing heavily, I look around to see who my saviour was. A baby stood galliently above me, with a hand extended to help me onto my feet. Apparently, the baby was in a house fire but survived. He is a traveller now, like the dog in the Littlest Hobo, helping people in need. THANK YOU BABY, where ever you are.

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  8. I thought only witches and saints got set on fire. Are you a witch or a saint?

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  9. I think they started on witches and saints but were having so much fun they just started burning people at random.
    But I do think Rob is a witch!

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  10. I'm sorry if i have offended you janeczka. You clearly are more "intelligent" and "uber-cool" than i. Plus i'm probably jealous cause i will never "have you" due to the fact that 40 year old virgins who live with there mothers are not "uber-cool".Posting a picture of yourself in your underwear was very intelligent and really put me in my place.Robert and ian enjoyed it and gave you the compliments you needed to feel good about yourself.Good work.

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  11. Anonymous I am still a little unsure of why you haven’t told us what your blog address is. Perhaps because you have never had an original idea in your head, you feel the need to push your stupid ideas on other people. Try doing something constructive for a change. Like walking in front of a bus!

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  12. Assholes walking in front of buses never gets old. It always results me in laughing heartily.

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  13. Hello Everyone!
    Great story rob.Very good kelly.
    This anonymous is a real shit.If i saw him in the street i would slap him with my glove and exclaim 'you are a ruffian'
    Away i must fly to the crack-house.
    Leave a light on in heaven for me.

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  14. I'm pretty sure anonymous is a six year old girl so I would probably punch her in the face. Not on purpose you under stand merely by accident. Still I'm pretty sure it is past her bed time.

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  15. I may go to the swan but I have exams coming up so I'm trying to stay sober enough to do some study tomorrow.

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  16. Very nice try to get to me via this blog. Just because you can't post any anon messages on mine anymore. If you were intelligent, you'd let it go. But since you're determined to give us some entertainment...

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  17. I rape donkeys for a living.

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  18. Really I rape donkey rapist for a living,
    Come on over to my place baby

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  19. I like this anonymous fellow. He sticks up for what he believes in even if he is a bit christian about it. You know, sex isn't wrong and you don't have to be lonely to have a laugh with some women.
    Still, I hope he comes back. it's not like he spams or anything. Just tells it like he sees it.
    But, being anonymous isn't cool. Unless he actually knows one of us personally, what difference does it make having a name on the internet. We need to be civil about these things.

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  20. I thought maybe he's got a ridiculous name, like Jeeves or Me'Shell. Or maybe his parents called him Anonymous because they couldn't think of anyhting else. He could have chosen a silly name like Joe and be done with it.
    I do agree he's a bit Christianish about his comments tough.

    Now I think of it... Hayley? is that you?

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  21. The way you put it Robert almost makes me want to like him. I respect anyone who sticks up for their beliefs but I don't feel the way Mr. A is doing it is neither open nor honest. I think if he is really standing up for his beliefs then he wouldn't hide. Leaving nasty comment under anonymous title is called trolling and will get you banned from any chat room or message space. It's just rude internet behavior. It's cowardly, if you must be nasty be nasty up front. His comments are snide, underhanded & passive agressive shit.

    also if this person is a "good christian" why would they leave a comment about raping donkeys. That is really immature. I know a fair chunk of die hard christians and regardless of their views on sex they wouldn't leave a comment like that. I occasionally get a "god bless" on my page which I think is primarily due to the fact that I have a link to Absolute Jesus on it (which if any of them looked at they would seriously get offened and leave a nasty comment which I could not say was uncalled for) but none of the christian who do visit my page ever leave anything nasty on it.

    Also I don't know if this is one of you guys but I have a visitor from a college in Dublin but since Mr A hasn't left comments on mine recently I can't confirm if it matches up.
    I don't want to devout too much time to this person but I will say it is sort of fun to speculate on his motives etc.

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  22. Yea, people who go to Dublin colleges have plugs in their assholes to stop shit from coming out.
    It's the truth. The kids down the street told me once.

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