One month after the government sanctioned the mutation of Terri Schaivos corpse (henceforth referred to as Mutant Vladimir Putin), a new set back has developed. Mutant Putin has become addicted to day-time T.V. and mince pies. Reports suggest that she has put on 320 pounds of fat, consequently destroying any furniture her body connects with, terrifying local widows. Government officials estimate this will push back 'Project Neutralize Natives' by 4 months and will cost the Government $120 million. "This is bad news. Very fucking bad news", our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said.
To combat this escalating complication the scientists, lead by world renowned philanthropist and biologist Dr. Tom Verlaine, have adopted the Skinnerian method of conditioning. This intricate procedure involves placing a pie in front of Mutant Putin, who will then have the opportunity to eat it. When the mutant dives for it, she will be punched in the ribs by a mechanical arm attached to a dog. If Vlad continues for the pie, she will continue to be punched. Eventually, if the procedure is successful, the mutant should whimper in the corner and urinate herself whenever a pie is revealed.
Weaning her off television has proven more difficult. The scientists insist this problem will be solved within a month but there are reports of some of the leading experts becoming caught up, themselves, with television. This is a real problem amongst the scientists, several of whom had to be taken away for electro-shock treatment, when they became addicted to Desperate Housewives which has been mathematically proven to be trash television. Incidently, Mutant Vladimir Putins sister, Suzanne Vitadamo, has began filming the role of Sally Fletchers long lost sister, Marie Fletcher, on Home and Away. These episodes will be broadcast in July.