Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Sympathy for her Mother

One month after the government sanctioned the mutation of Terri Schaivos corpse (henceforth referred to as Mutant Vladimir Putin), a new set back has developed. Mutant Putin has become addicted to day-time T.V. and mince pies. Reports suggest that she has put on 320 pounds of fat, consequently destroying any furniture her body connects with, terrifying local widows. Government officials estimate this will push back 'Project Neutralize Natives' by 4 months and will cost the Government $120 million. "This is bad news. Very fucking bad news", our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said.

To combat this escalating complication the scientists, lead by world renowned philanthropist and biologist Dr. Tom Verlaine, have adopted the Skinnerian method of conditioning. This intricate procedure involves placing a pie in front of Mutant Putin, who will then have the opportunity to eat it. When the mutant dives for it, she will be punched in the ribs by a mechanical arm attached to a dog. If Vlad continues for the pie, she will continue to be punched. Eventually, if the procedure is successful, the mutant should whimper in the corner and urinate herself whenever a pie is revealed.

Weaning her off television has proven more difficult. The scientists insist this problem will be solved within a month but there are reports of some of the leading experts becoming caught up, themselves, with television. This is a real problem amongst the scientists, several of whom had to be taken away for electro-shock treatment, when they became addicted to Desperate Housewives which has been mathematically proven to be trash television. Incidently, Mutant Vladimir Putins sister, Suzanne Vitadamo, has began filming the role of Sally Fletchers long lost sister, Marie Fletcher, on Home and Away. These episodes will be broadcast in July.

15 comments:

  1. I truly love the United Stated of America. Not to mention Skinnerian conditioning.

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  2. I only watch Eastenders and Hollyoaks. They're so fucking REAL, you know what I mean?

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  3. Wait. I'm slightly confused what if she eats the dog?

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  4. Yes, kelly, you raise a good point. The dog is protected by a dual layer of cling film. The Mutant Vladimir Putin is, in fact, toothless. An unfortunate side effect from the transformation. She cannot bite throught the cling film with her gums.
    But, because of this measure to 'protect' the dog, it usually ends up sufficating to death and having to be replaced every fifteen minutes.

    Hur hur hur hur. It's actually quite funny when you think about it, really.

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  5. Thats a great idea, punching the ribs...

    I tried it once and the results are most encouraging...

    The first day progress was slow, the subject kept violating the rules and was subsquently punched in the ribs, with alot of complaining...

    Day two was a sunny day with only one violation of this rule and only one punch on tender ribs...

    Tomorrow will be day three...

    Hmmm, I will report back on the success of this trial method...

    Phant! ;-)

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  6. What kind of dog will be used?

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  7. I hope it's poodles. I fucking hate them.

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  8. Of course it's poodles. those hairy old women deserve cling film death.
    To clarify, I think poodles are the hairy old women of dog society.
    But, to elaborate, they are mutant poodles, because your average poodles spine isn't strong enough to withhold the pressures of a mechanical arm.

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  9. Mutant poodles? do they glow in the night as well?

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  10. Couldnt you just tape a few poodles together rather then creating a race of mutant poodles?

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  11. Do they glow in the dark?Unfortunatly no. The scientists did fore see this, though, and have taped cigarette lighters to the mutant poodles paws in case the power goes. After that, the only unique feature they posses is that they exude mustard from their nipples.

    Couldn't I just tape some poodles together?
    Yes, I could. But mutant poodles are more fun to kill.

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  12. It seems every one has cooler nipples than me!! Janecazka's glows or shoot stars, mutant poodles with mustard nipples, next one of you is going to tell me your lacate choclate sauce.

    lucky bastards.

    Be caerful when handling mutant poodles I've been told they are prone to bouts of sonic diarrhea.

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  13. Fuck sake. Mustard secreting nipples. FUCK IT. I was just getting over that "monkey fingers" thing. FUCK SAKE

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  14. The greatest thing i ever did was cut my nipples off.No wait the greatest thing i ever did was cut my legs off.
    When i get in the shower first and the water is not quite right, i do a little dance.

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