Monday, May 09, 2005

A case for Rocky

M paced back and forth across his plush Vauxhall Cross office. A look of angst and worry constantly draped across his knowledgable face. There was a confident rap on his large, oak office door. "Come in, come in", he impatiently said. The door swung open and standing there as handsome as ever, wearing a bespoke, Italian silk suit was Bond. "Ah 007, delightful to see you my good man", said M as he strode across the spacious office to greet 007. "Yes, it certainly is delightful to see me!", laughed 007 as he shook Ms' hand. "Take a seat James, we have something important to discuss.", M stated as he seated himself behind his imposing desk.

"I have a very important mission for you, Bond" explained M. He went to further explain "It appears that Kim Jong Il has been able t manufacture vast quantities of time twine from the remnants of an ancient egyptian device believe to be called a "Time-Tele-See-O-Matic". Now intelligence believes that he has personally travelled back in time in an effort to force his own father to marry and impregnat Queen Elizabeth so that he will be born as as the next heir to the thrown of the British Empire. Obviously this is totally unacceptable. Luckily for us though Q has been able to produce enough time twine from the mummified brain of John DeLorean for trip back in time." There was a slight pause, mostly for dramatic effect but also because M had lost his train of thought and 007 looked stupified by what he had just heard.

"So in essence Bond, you will have enough time twine to travel back but you will have to stop Kim Jong Il and use his Time-Tele-See-O-Matic to get back to the present day. What do you say 007?". There was a long, slightly uncomfortable slience as Bond sat opposite M looking quite relfective and somewhat dejected.

"Actually, old boy, I have some bad news for you. I was only coming hear to tell you I am resigning my commission. I have a fantastic woman called Shaggsa Lot, who is a hippie pacifist, so we are going to move to Devon and become organic farmers" replied Bond. There was a long, tense silence broken by M interjecting "Ah, well then" as he reached into the top drawer of his desk and withdrew his Browning 9mm service issue pistol. "That was highly classified information Mr. Bond" M cooly said. "Come now M, don't be crazy here. What would be F say about all this?", blurted out Bond.

M levelled the gun at Bond, his hand slightly quivering. His finger tensed around the trigger, just enough to squeeze off a shot, his eyes shut with the realisation of what he had just done. "Ow, damn it M you blind old bastard!" He heard Bond yell out. M opened his eyes to discover he shot off Bonds ear lobe. "Oh deary me, terribly sorry old chap, let me try again." , retorted M. He began firing off the remaining 11 rounds in quick succession. A haze of cordite filled the space between him and Bond when he was finished firing. He peered through the haze to see Bond still sitting there, alive as a motherfucker, smiling gleefully. "Its been too long since you were in the field, you senile old fool.", quipped Bond. "I've had enough of this bullshit." thought M to himself. He jumped across the desk and began smashing Bonds face in with the grip of the pistol. Blood and brain flew everywhere. M could be heard screaming with laughter and shouting "It's just just like the faulklands!"

Moments later M arose from Bonds now headless corpse and called out to his Personal Assistant "Robert, get me THE RAGE". I know what it is you are thinking dear reader, surely not THE RAGE, but circumstances were dire enough to necessitate the use of such a cold, unfeeling, clinical, rage filled being. The personal assistant crept into Ms' office and whispered "THE RAGE is still in Cambodia chasing underage, drug trafficking hookers.", fearing the use of the words THE RAGE would implode the building. "Blast that thundering fuck!", roared M "Won't he ever get back from that damned vacation. Well then you better get me the next best man for the job - ROCKY!"

12 hours later M was explaining the situation all over again to Rocky. "So are we clear Rocky?".
"Yea, fuhget about it, I go back in time, kick this gooks ass and bring back the time machine. No problem!", replied Rocky. "Yes, golly good. Now we'll just bring you down to Q and he will show you how to use the time twine." explained M.

Q looked up from his cluttered work bend to gape at the Pirelli calendar hanging in the corner only to be met by the humongous form of Rocky walking through the door to his workshop. "Ah good day Mr. Rocky, here about the time wtine are you, my good boy?" enquired Q. "What the fuck is up with this limey prick?" asked Rocky. Q gave a slight look of angered bewilderment as there was no one else in the room. "Yes well, get on with it, shall we?", Q continued. He picked up a short length of bright, almost golden twine. The colour never quite stayed the same, it shifted from silver to gold to red to burgundy to purple to blue back to gold to yellow to gold again to navy and finally back to silver. Rocky peered at the twine and a long, low "whoooooooah" escaped his muscled lips. "Now listen here fuckface, this is quite easy to use. One merely uses it as dental floss and after 30 seconds of use you simply say the date and time you want to travel to and BAM! there you are. It will only bring you to the same location as you are already situated thoough so we are going to have to bring you where we believe Kim Jong Il travelled back from. Are you with me Rocky?" elaborated Q. Rocky sternly looked at Q and stated "Fuck yes."

Before he knew who was groping him Rocky found himself outside Buckingham Palace flossing the shit, literally, out of his teeth "June ape, Nineting fiffy seben" he blurted out. For a second he thought this shower of British bastards were playing a joke on him because nothing happened and everyone standing around was laughing at him, even those guards who arent meant to move or say shit where wetting themselves with laughter. But then, it felt a thousand weak, midgets were grabbing him all over and pulling him backwards, he could feel himself beginning to topple backwards, his eyes shut and he almost shit his pants, then as quickly as it had started, it stopped. Rocky opened his eyes and thanked his ass for being so muscular.

He looked around and thought "Fuck me, I'm in the past. ADRIAN!!!!" People walked past wearing pin stripe suits and bowler hats, carrying big bags of cucumber sandwiches and complaining that we wouldn't have flying cars untill the year 2000 or that Pan Am were charging too much for flights to the moon. "Yeah! Rocko, go me!" shouted Rocky. Yet more laughter ensued.

Rocky started walking around looking for Kim Jong Il. He rounded Hyde Park corner and spied Kim Jong Il behind a bus stop, fondling himself and moaning "oooooooo Erizabit, you so hawny". "Jim Bong Jill!!!, I here to take you out!", roared Rocky while strapping on his prized fighting gloves, he had never done this himself though so could only get on one. Kim Jong Il put the mouse back in the house and started running. In two mighty strides Rocky had drawn level with him. Rocky grabbed him and began tickling the shit out him, true torture for any oriental. "Har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har har", screamed Kim Jong Il. Rocky picked him and began smashing him off the ground, then kicking him saying "you are going to eat thunder and crap lightning motherfucker.!" Rocky stood him on his feet then punched the living shit out of the poor Asian, dictator.

Kim Jong Il collapsed to the ground whimpering "Me no hawny, Mr. Mussels, me no more hawny.". Rocky picked him up by the face and said "Give me your see-o....... tele-port-see......your fucking time thing, motherfucker." Kim Jong Il handed the indescribable device over to Rocky, all the tim epleading for "mehrsy".

Rocky dragged Kim Jong Il to the nearest amy recruiting office, sat him in front of the Sargeant Major and went on to explain "This man just told me he would like to anally explore me while wearing a dress and calling me Rosanne." Rocky then stood up and left, knowing that the British Army would end the threat of Kim Jong Il forever.

Rocky initiated the time-tele-see-o-matic to return home and greet his legions of fans, thankful loose women, a grateful British Government and best of all the praise of his hero and idol - Dirk Benedict, author of two books, star of two award winning TV series, stage actor and personality extrodinaire!

37 comments:

  1. Jesus, this goes up after I post my one... fucking figures.

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  2. Kick fucking ass. Top quality Ian.

    Jesus Rob he totally stole your thunder. Time to take it up a notch.

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  3. Yeah, you're right, Daly

    Fuck you Ian...

    No, a situation like this needs capitals.

    FUCK YOU IAN!

    That should teach him. Thanks Daly.

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  4. Sorry Rob, I didnt know you had posted yours, I was busily creating.

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  5. Here, I'll remove it if you want and post it again tomorrow.

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  6. No I meant take it up a notch story wise.

    I'm taking the "now for something completely different" approach, but you are honour bound to top this.

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  7. "honour bound", nice turn of phrase. Honour bound doesnt get used enough.

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  8. Kelly sent me part three of his story. I havn't read it but it's long and it'll take the thunder away from Ian... I suppose.

    Nah, I'll just post it tomorrow.

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  9. I'll try not to steal your thunder ever again. I told you I was going to post it tonight though...

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  10. Yeah, I do not care. My story will shine throughout the ages whereas yours will just burn out like a candle in the wind...

    So, whatever, motherfucker. SNAP!

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  11. Ian you have a knack for dialog. I especially like the eat thunder/shit lightning and the "nineting fiffy seben" bits.

    Now I'm going to go read Rob's

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  12. Yeah, turns out "honour bound" and "folly" often go hand in hand too. Two noble expressions.

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  13. I agree with Sabe. Dialog be your specialty. I suck at it. You may not have noticed but I try to have my characters say as little as possible.
    I really wish I could write dialog like Ian.

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  14. Ye4a noble is a noble word as well... also ignoble. I like ignoble.

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  15. I am afraid I cannot take credit for "you are going to eat thunder and crap lightning, motherfucker!", well except for the motherfucker that was all me. The rest of it is an actual quote from Rocky.

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  16. I knew it... fraud... arrest that man for fraudulant behaviour...

    WHAT? That isn't a crime!...
    Well... it should be!

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  17. No, it's called dialog enrichment, much akin to one using,oh lets say, "I was born ready".

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  18. aww well Ian fans around the world weep.

    Robert I think you write good dialog as well and you also are very good at descrbing things - like the drunken sphinter threesome

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  19. Hey Rocky had his hands on some time twine and at Time-Tele-See-O-Matic, he could have come forward in time to read this blog and steal the phrase before returning to the past to do the film, and thus completing the circle.

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  20. I was born ready is in open vocabulary. Wasn't stolen from a film. So there, smarty pants.

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  21. That just blew my mind. I am sitting here pointing from my head to away.

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  22. No, just stolen on a post from Over heard in New York in which a young man is going to kick another young man in the testicles. I know you Rob.

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  23. I knew it would.. steller logic like mine always blows minds.

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  24. Do you mean "stellar"? Or are you comparing your logic to that of German naturalist Georg Wilhelm Steller?

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  25. Stolen.. nay
    Appropriated.. yay.

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  26. Yea... I was comparing. I always compare myself to german people.

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  27. Appropriated, I appreciate that.

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  28. I'm just after reading, Ians accusation that Rob stole the phrase from Overheard in New York. Rob hasn't yet seen it obviously and has posted something about stellar logic, although he didn't spell it that way. I haven't refreshed the thread to see how this turns out. Will Rob be angry? Will Ian be proven correct?

    Hopefully they will have responded. This is getting exciting. I'm prolonging the pleasure by resisting the urge to just blow it all on one click of the mouse.

    I can't wait any longer... Ok here goes.

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  29. Man, I'm going bedtime. I've been on the net way too long today.

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  30. I appriciate Daly doing that... I laugh myself to sleep tonight. And drool a bit.

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  31. Good one Daly, I enjoyed that, almost as much as I enjoyed making up dialogue for Kim Jong Il and Rocky.

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  32. Daly - I look forward to your zombie training manual/neirarchy explanation

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  33. Yes, soon all shall be revealed. Or quite a bit at any rate.

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  34. Hey Hey,
    OMG, I feel like a knacker, Im in bogger clare, in a LIBRARY using FREE internet, lol...

    Thought I'd say hello, so "HELLO" and wow, its great studying for these exams!!!!!!

    Fucking fuckin, cunting LIT!!!! baserds all of them!!!!

    Other news: kilkee is lovely, the weather is Great and I've finally started Band of Brothers, I bought the boxset last christmas but never got around to it, its really good...

    Well, thats all lads, I'll be bad in Stab City in thursday, til then, SLáN!!!!!!

    Phant!

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  35. Jeez, I hope by Stab City you are referring to Johannesburg or something and not our beautiful Limerick city...
    We've upgraded to guns afterall.

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