Friday, May 06, 2005

The Good Samaritan

Bond entered the room.

“Hey Bond,” everyone squealed. “It’s great to see you.” A ladyboy dropped to its knees and started to suck Bond’s cock.

“Muuunnnnngggggghhh,” replied Bond. Everyone laughed.

“Gee, Tom, you’re so great,” gushed Doc. “I love you.” Doc started to fondle his own crotch at the thought of making love to Bond.

“Fuck you Doc,” said Bond. Doc was crushed. He ran into the kitchen and started to cut himself with a knife.

“So what’s the crack with you Bond?” asked Daly.

“How The Rage? Well I’m a total megaboy at the moment.”

”That’s my expression Tom, but it’s ok for you to use it. You’re not copying me or anything.”

“Oh Yeah!” Tom pumps his arm.

“So, what makes you a megaboy?”

“I rescued a disabled person from a burning building and helped an old woman cross the street.”

“God, you’re so cool Tom,” Dan chipped in. “I wish I was like you. I wish everyone was like you.”

After hanging out for a while, Bond had to leave to do some charity work. On the way he saw a small child after falling off his bike. Bond stopped his car and got out. “There, there, little fella. It’s ok. Let me kiss it better.” Bond started kissing the child on the lips.

”Thanks Mr. Bond, that’s not child abuse or anything.”

“I know kid, but don’t tell anyone ok.”

“Ok.”

Bond landed out to his charity work where he helped many disadvantaged people during the course of the day. Afterwards he shopped a major drug dealer and gave enough evidence in court to put him away for life. That evening Bond gave his mother a bikini wax.

That night Bond went to bed, pleased with his days work. Around the world people got down on their knees, faced the direction of Bonds house, and prayed for ten minutes.

78 comments:

  1. Yea, Bond was right. This blog is going downhill.
    But FUNNY STUFF, though.
    Kissing the kid... yea. Wouldn't have written that, myself. But, we are a progressive blog open to tomorrows homos, the paedophiles. Or not.

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  2. Yeah, that's going to bring out all the phreaks. Delete it if you want, but I aint gonna.

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  3. No, no, no. I have a policy never to delete anything that's published. Stand by it all. Better or worse.

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  4. That's a poor policy bud.

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  5. Rob leave the babies out of this!

    Off to kilkee for a while, gonna learn some stuff, bye blog, back wednesday!

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  6. Why that now?
    I think this site should be for everything and anything we want to write, however we want to write it. Just because I like to write short stories doesn't mean you or Ian have to. Ian, I'd say, prefers writing exaggerated versions of his day. You seem to enjoy writing little satirical stories about your friends. You know, amongst other things. This is all good.
    So, as far as I'm concerned, everybody's voice is theirs, free to use however they wish. And this blog is the medium with which we use our voices. We shouldn't just use it, we should abuse it.
    So, why is that a poor policy?

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  7. Oh Phant, what are you talking about?

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  8. I agree with Robert. Stand by your posts. Blog with pride.

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  9. Rob you missed the issue entirely. I wasn't questioning that we should or shouldn't be allowed to write about what we want. What I questioned was the policy of "never to delete anything that's published"

    That's an unrealistic policy. It's too strict. I stated from the start that I wasn't going to remove it, but if it was incredibly offensive or hurtful or there was some other genuine reason to remove it then it would be my responsibility to do so and if I didn't that responsibility would fall to your or Ian (as blog administrators).

    You shouldn't pin youself to the idea that once it's written, then that's it. Free your mind.

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  10. Free my mind???

    Look, I stand behind what I said.
    And, at the same time, I believe we have enough restraint not to go so far as to offend people that seriously. As to hurt someone.

    But, I might stand corrected.

    Look at the damage we are doing to Bond, writing what we did. We are offending and hurting him but not once did you think of deleting your stories or ask me to delete mine.

    So, I am going to stick by my policy. And, Ian and I being administrators means nothing. We are not editors. You are responsible for what you write not us. We are only responsible for what we write.

    Oh yeah.

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  11. FUCK THIS SHIT. Fuck appeasement. This post is bollocks. Fuck not deleting anything that has been published. Jesus Rob, I didn't realise you were so much of a bitch. I almost spat at my screen reading this ass-licking dribble.

    I think the author sould have the right to delete their work if they so wish. Unless it is truly evil and offensive then I'll fucking delete it.
    Motherfucker.

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  12. Oh and fuck Bond, I'm sure he's a normal person not too dispicable not too nice either, just normal. But if he can't take a humour story thats been written on the internet then fuck off! Has he seen waht Daly has written about me on occassion or vice verse? Fuck sake.

    I am punching the air is rage and disgust.

    This is just like WWII. Bond is Hitler and Rob is that pussy Neville Chamberlain but I'n Ike Eisenhower and I'm taking no shit from anyone.

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  13. Fuck you Ian. If you post something it should stay up. What could go through your mind as to post something so rediculously offensive and evil in the first place? I would like to think that this blog has written more than it's fair share of offensive stuff, already.
    About Terri Shiavo.
    About the Pope. The dead one, not the current one.
    About our friends.
    I can't imagine the outragious, vile shit that would warrent a post being deleted after what we have already accomplished in just two months.
    No, I stand by what I said.

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  14. That was all fiction though. Your mother didnt really kill you, Bond didnt hump a door, Terri Shiavo isnt a universal soldier. The Pope was infact NOT a robot. Its fiction motherfucker.

    When we commence targeted character assasination, to promote bigotry and hatred and when we no longer allow our basic human morality to guide our decisions thats when I will begin to delete other peoples posts and when you should too, bitch.

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  15. Hey, you think that someday we will go off the deep end and start attacking people's characters.

    And I say Bullshit. That will never happen. I honestly do not believe we can lose our morality. Not just like that.

    When it happens, it will happen so slowly we won't even realise it until it's too late.

    In fact it's happening right now. Daly is assinating Bonds character with that last story. It's only a kid and a blow job away from being true. But it stays up. If you were such a moral gaurdian, you would delete it right now.

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  16. I think you will find that, should you risk to open your pea-sized mind, you may discover that there is a difference between a humorous, well-intentioned, fictional, story and a targeted character assasination. How many people actually believe the shit we post? I'm going to with 2.

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  17. Ian, this is where it begins. With Dalys 'humorous, well-intentioned, fictional, story'.
    The second post Daly wrote was almost a verbatim account of what a conversation between Bond and Doc is like, with a few embellishments. He is hurting Bond with these posts.
    But you do nothing. Why aren't you deleting these stories? They are doing exactly what you say they are not. Hurting someones character. It'll get worse if you don't stop it here.
    It doesn't matter who believes them or not... What matters is how they affect the one they are about.

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  18. Yeah, my piece isn't character assassination. It's satire. You know as well as I do that Bond would never do charity work... WOOO.

    Or give his mother a bikini wax. Or rescue cripples etc. It's a fogging joke.

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  19. How can a varbatim account of what happened be character assassination? And what established character has Bond to assassinate?

    That second post was a dig at Doc, the astute will notice.

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  20. I don't believe any of these posts were written with malicious intent, merely to entertain, therefore they are not at all hurting someones character and it is for that reason that I will do nothing.

    When I am personally aware that these posts have caused genuine, mental and emotional stress and am satisfied that they were posted with mailicous intent then by all means I will remove them, but untill then I am steadfast in my belief that you are a punk.

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  21. How is Bond hurt? You're hurting me with your crap.

    Character assassin.

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  22. I think as responsible adults, we need to look at the facts. Bond is hurt over these stories, malicious or not. That makes them hurtful and offensive.
    By your logic, they need to deleted and I want to see you do it.
    I, on the other hand, stand by my belief that every post should stay up for better or worse.

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  23. I asked you how you've ascertained that Bond is hurt. Has he explicitly approached you in relation to one of the posts? Have you heard from a secondary source? Speak Rob.

    But before you do, let's step back for a minute. I don't think you've taken into account the established Hate:Hate relationship I have with Bond. You have established no such relationship with him. I didn't really see any major outrage from him until your post knocking him. That may have been seen as a personal attack.

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  24. I think your argument is flawed Robert. Where do I say I will remove hurtful posts?

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  25. A second source is fortunatly available. My brother William. The first thing he said to me when he came home was Bond was pissed off. He must have met Bond at Dans place the night before.
    I have to note that I did not prompt Will to divulge this information. He did so of his own accord.

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  26. Once I saw a program about the American Civil War, this is how that shit started.

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  27. Pissed off? So he was angered by the post? As opposed to hurt or offended?

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  28. "When we commence targeted character assasination, to promote bigotry and hatred and when we no longer allow our basic human morality to guide our decisions thats when I will begin to delete other peoples posts and when you should too, bitch."
    Ian.

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  29. Ian, don't confuse the matter over semantics.

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  30. I dont see the word hurtful there, nor were any of the posts about Bond character assassinations, unless your primary post was. I have always been moral in my posts and I assume that everyone else has also. Do you hate Bond or encourage bigotry against him?

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  31. This isn't semantics, its facts baby.

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  32. As I have said Ian, this is where it beins. Look, I'll qoute myself.
    "When it happens, it will happen so slowly we won't even realise it until it's too late. "
    It begins with these posts. the tone and content will get progressively worse as time goes on. If you really stood by your word, you would have deleted theses comments already.
    I, however, am happy you are you seeing it my way and leaving the posts alone.

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  33. And what was he pissed off in relation to? Your post, or mine?

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  34. No Robert, if people begin to post supposed facts about an individual that are untrue (ie. A character assasination) I will delete that. Should some unleash a diatribe against a minority, racial group, nation, culture, religion etc etc and mean it I will delete it. Untill such a time as I see these principles being infringed upon I will adopt a posture much akin to the American 1st Amendment and not interfere with anyones posts.

    Well unless it is to correct your spelling or grammar as I do from time to time.

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  35. Well all I can say is, if you make a joke and someone decides they don't like it then what the fuck can you do. A joke is a joke, and that's how it's intended. At no point has Bond to my knowledge:

    1. Had his car sold by Doc for a quarter.
    2. Lived in a rubbish dump.
    3. Been the medical officer on a star ship.
    4. Stuck a bunch of flowers up his arse (your post)
    5. Given his mother a bikini wax.

    Seriously. Just read that list and tell me something evil is happening.

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  36. Okay, so we go back to my original arguement that everything should be left up. Absolutely everything because the three of us are not capable of posting 'supposed facts about an individual that are untrue (ie. A character assasination) I will delete that. Should some unleash a diatribe against a minority, racial group, nation, culture, religion etc etc and mean it'.

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  37. Wow these are some hard corecomments here. this is definately the edge you've been complaining about not having.
    In my ignorance I just assumed ALL these people were made up. I thought it was poking fun at james bond b/c it would be very easy to see the jame bond character rubbing his crotch in a mirror.

    I'm going to gander that Daly doesn't give a shit if Bond's feelings are hurt from the fact he posted this in a public place and his previous comments about his hate:hate relationship with him. It may not be nice but if he doesn't like the fellow and they hate eachother I believe it is in his right to talk shit about him here since he was given permission to use this blog to express his opinions.

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  38. Daly, you're missing my point. I never said any of that was true. I just said Bond was hurt by it. And because he was hurt then by your logic, something must be deleted.
    But I don't think so. I still think everything should be left up.

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  39. Yea, Sabe, post what we want or don't post what you don't want. That's what I want to see.

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  40. Rob, I see your point. But I feel you are fighting a bit of a loosing battle. I understand that perhaps Bond was hurt by some of the posts here but that is not what we, at least I, am debating. The whole premise of my logic has been that I would remove something if it was posted mailiously, MALICIOUSLY! As far as I am concerned nothing has been posted maliciously, it has just been misinterpreted by Bond which is unfortunate but not grounds to remove the post.

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  41. And I believe your point to be mute because we will never post something maliciously... except for Daly who already stated he hates Bond... So, in fact, he has posted something maliciously.

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  42. @Baddy. No I'm not out to actually hurt Bond. We hang around with the same group of people and our relationship is based around banter and mutual slagging. All in good nature. It's unfortunate that he appears to be taking offence to anything here. Especially since he's been given the option by both Rob and myself to talk (humerous) smack about me.

    @Rob, Well I challenge you on the point that Bond is hurt. According to you Will said he was pissed off. I wouldn't classify them in the same group at all.

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  43. Daly were any of your posts about Bond deliberately spiteful or harmful?

    Oh and by youor logic Robert it would hold that the only reason Bond is kicking up a fuss is becuase he hated Daly so going by your logic we should tell him to fuck off, Daly to stop posting about him and all shut the fuck up and have a coke.

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  44. Look, that's the second hand info I got from Will. But at the same time, isn't pissing someone off with a post about them a similar offence?

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  45. I agree with Rob. Writing a story about someone you know and having them partially molest children, masterbate in public etc.. is malicious. I think that Daly has the right to pick on whomever he wants b/c if he can't then next thing I know someone is going to tell me I can;t write evil post about how sucky my ex was in bed. I don't want that to happen. I want to be able to write evil posts to my hearts content. I lock mine up of course.
    I don't like racists, homophobs, George Bush but they exist and they can rant all they want b/c it's their right and I can say Fuck you right back at them. If Daly wants to send a big old FUCK YOU out to someone let him.

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  46. Similar perhaps. I havent drawn up a moral code of justice for pissing someone off yet though. But in true military fashion I feel someone who is pissed off can be considered an acceptable tactical loss.

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  47. No Ian. By my logic, Bond is hurt because off what we posted about him. I would like to point out that only Daly's posts were actually based on the person we call Bond. Mine were totally, 100% ficticious.

    No, we also shouldn't tell him to fuck off. I just think we shouldn't delete any posts.

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  48. Think of it like this:

    I say Bond's a bollox. Bond thinks "Daly's a fucker" (pissed off)

    I say Bond's a bollox. Bond thinks "oh I'm really upset by this. Oh woe is me." (hurt)

    Major difference. Certainly not a similar offence.

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  49. Look, anyway, this is what I believe and what I've believed since the beginning of this blog.
    Post whatever you want and never delete a post. You have to be responsible for yourself.

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  50. Exactly Rob - Face the consequences of your actions

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  51. This is getting redundant! We are not going to delete any posts. Not yet anyway. None of this was malicious. It was a joke. Daly didnt try to pass his posts off as factual.

    In short if a contributor is truly offensive I will delete the post. Either delete the post, or leave the blog. I dont want to be affiliated with motherfuckers. Simple as. This hasnt happened yet. I dont see it happening. Now lets all fucking get over ourselves. Christ on a bike. I have to meet this Bond.

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  52. Okay Ian, you agreed with me all along.

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  53. No I didnt! You idiot. My face is a picture of wonder and mystification. All I ever said was that some posts may have to be deleted. I stand by that. You dont want to delete anything, ever,

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  54. Well done guys.
    Bartender Drinks all around please.

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  55. My face is one of mirth.
    No contributor will ever be malicious.
    So your point, as I said, is mute. No posts should ever be deleted. And we will post worse stuff than we already have.
    That's the way it is.
    This blog won't last forever. It won't, even, last long enough for one of us to go completely postal and maliciously attack someone. So, fuck it. We shouldn't even have had this discussion.

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  56. But I had fun and this is post 59 BABY.

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  57. And the consequences could result in you deciding to remove the post to save someone offence. Seriously, what the fuck?

    Fuck Bond anyway. Look at all the trouble he's caused with his crying.

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  58. Daly, I will never remove a post from this blog and I don't think anyone else should. But if you don't I won't cry about it like Bond.

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  59. I me 'if you do'... that makes more sense.

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  60. Daly, your an administrator now.

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  61. Worse.

    Anyway, I have a cunning plan. Unfortunately due to the nature of it, revealing it will no doubt cause it to fail.

    On another note, some of you may or may not know that Britney Spears did a photoshoot recently (ish) in which she was naked. Unfortunately it was in black and white (to make it art and not porn). Due to the wonders of modern science I am currently restoring colour to it. Moo Moo Moo. If anyone wants it, let me know and i'll flog in on when it's done.

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  62. Why don't you just get some real porn?

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  63. LOLO, not it's not about porn Baddy. I wanted some practise manipulating skin tones in Photoshop. I just happened to find a wallpaper of Britters in black and white on a wallpaper website. Stops me getting bored. I had it perfect yesterday but forgot the adjustments I made to the colour but then I made a mistake, and saved it (DOH) and now I can't seem to get it right.

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  64. Wait, I was reading over the comments and Ian you said that you correct my spelling and grammer in some posts.
    Noble.
    But, in my big spider post, did you change the phrase 'mine ceiling' to 'my ceiling'? Do you remember?

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  65. Daly - aahh it is all clear to me now. I was going to say why bother with Britney when there are much hotter ladies out there who do way more interesting work.

    Rob - Maybe Ian meant "mein ceiling" and was typing in gremanenglish.

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  66. Well, this was ages ago. I noticed it was changed but forgot about it until now. Just curious.

    But it doesn't fucking matter.

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  67. I think I might have to be honest. Sorry if I wasnt meant to. I did find "mine ceiling" quite funny.

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  68. Look, I'm getting off to finish a story. I might post it later in the night. Sabine, you should still be up to see it if I post.

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  69. excellent. I'll pop the proverbial comment cherry on it.

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  70. Ne'er a bit of bother, Ian. If I cared I would have changed it back. I just remembered, is all.

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  71. I am about to post something. It will assuredly blow you all away, all of you.

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