Monday, May 09, 2005

Henry's Egg

“It’s a time machine, eh.”
“So, how does it work?”
Henry and David sat outside Henry’s garage, on a dirty old couch, staring in at the large white egg-shaped time machine Henry built. The egg was suspended above a large platform by four positional mechanical arms. Both of the men were sipping some home brews and Henry was squinting, as it was extremely sunny. David was wearing sunglasses. They couldn’t sit in the garage as the structure encompassed the entire space.
“Well,” Henry says, “it’s not really a time machine, you see, because you can’t go back in time… only forward.”
“Oh”, replied David. “Well, have you seen my time machine here.” he said slapping the couch. “All you have to do is sit on it and you travel through time.” He laughed and Henry hit him on the shoulder.
“Fuck you, asshole. I’m not letting you use it now” he said bitterly.
“Yea, I am, you shit. You said I could after I gave you my superman collection. I’m going first now, after that,” replied David pointing at Henry with victory.
“Fine. Just shut up and listen. Okay?”
“Right… Dick.”
“Okay.” continued Henry, ignoring the insult, “The time machine works on the principle that the faster a person accelerates and the closer to the speed of light that person achieves, the slower he will age. You see, this machine vibrates the inhabitant to the point where he is moving at almost the speed of light. About point zero one percent less than actual light speed. It’s based on the principle of relativity. You see, outside the egg…”
“Jesus CHRIST!” snaps David, “Would you tell me so I could fucking understand? You make me feel like a retard. I mean… Jesus!”
“Fine, fine, FINE! Shut up!” cried Henry, exhausted with David’s crap. “Look, you sit in it for an hour and when you get out fifty hours will have passed. Simple as that.”
They both stared at the machine for a minute, contemplating what they had in front of them. What great a machine, built by man. This was a means to travel to some distant future utopia. Away from this corrupt modern society, motivated only by greed and material wealth. But first, the machine needed to be tested.
“Right, let’s do this.” Henry leapt from the couch. “David, Are you ready?”
David removed his sunglasses and stood up serenely.
“I was born ready.”
Henry pressed a big red button on a remote and the eggs’ door opened down and became a platform. This movement was accompanied by pneumatic hiss and a release of thick, grey smoke.
No light penetrated the gloom contained within, as if it were afraid to reveal the endless possibilities this machine held. David leapt inside and, with only his upper torso visible for the smoke, he shot his arm in the air.
“I’ll see you… in the future. WAHHHHH!”
“Remember Dave,” said Henry, “only stay inside for one hour. After that, press the button on the chair and wait until the egg stops moving before getting out.”
Henry pressed a big blue button on a different remote and the doors closed.
“And if you need to vomit” screamed Henry above the commotion, “I left a bag in the compartment under your seat.”
With those words, the doors sealed shut and the machine creaked into motion.
Inside David squeezed into the seat, which was too small for his frame. He pressed a button on his watch and it lit up. The vibration of the egg made the time difficult to read but he could just make it out. One four seven. Almost ten to two. He set his alarm to one hour later. Immediately feeling queasy, he shut his eyes and concentrated on something else.
Outside Henry stood watching his creation animated and breathing life. A single tear wet a line down his cheek. He began to imagine the paradox’s this machine could create. Travelling to a Utopia that might not have existed were it not for the machine… Henry’s mind became boggled and confused so he went inside to rest. David wouldn’t be out for over two days. There was plenty of time to do nothing.
Inside the egg, David opened his eyes. He didn’t feel well. It was as if his stomach was outside his body having a drunken threesome with his brain and sphincter. After some difficulty, he pressed the button on his watch. It lit up but he couldn’t read the time for all of the movement. It just looked like a green blur. But, he figured he couldn’t have been in here for more than twenty minutes. He tried to talk, to keep himself sane, but his larynx couldn’t form any sounds. He just mouthed words, looking like a goldfish and beginning to feel like on too.
Suddenly, he noticed something in front of him. A white smudge. It seemed as if it was in the distance, too far out to touch, but David grasped for it anyway. The mark was on the wall of the egg and David began to rub it and scratch at it. Getting frantic, he began to use both of his hands revealing more and more white. A noise abruptly caught his attention and a crack of light appeared in front of him.
Almost one day after David entered the egg, Henry stood outside, in his pyjamas, drinking a cup of coffee. It was working. Henrys big ticket to stardom, money and hot babes was working right before his eyes like the best dream he never had. But a sudden noise brought him back to reality.
“Oh, what’s this now?”
David stuck his head out of the open door. The egg was still vibrating at an incredible velocity and he could see Henry outside not moving.
“Hey man, what day is it?” But there was no reply or movement from Henry. David had no clue what to do so, for lack of something better, he jumped out.
Henry was confronted with the sight of David’s elongated body leaping from the egg. His legs were spiking back and forth between the door and his torso unable to decide where they should be. The tip of his nose was moving slower than the nostrils, and they slower than his ears. As a result, his face was moving in and out upon itself like an accordion. Henry grabbed David’s outstretched arm and pulled with all of the strength he could muster. There was a loud snap and a crack of white light and he was thrown back against the couch.
When he awoke, his head on fire with pain and trickling blood, he opened his eyes. Above him were standing David and David. Two David’s. Henry rubbed his eyes expecting one of them to disappear but they both stayed there.
“Here, we’ll help you up”, one said.
“What… happened?” asked a stunned Henry.
“We were hoping you could answer that question, brainiac. There are fucking two of us. I only have three pairs of jeans, for fuck sake.”
“Hey”, said the other David, “I own those clothes, you idiot.”
They begin to punch each other around the place and Henry passes out from blood loss.


  1. Great story, David's a bit of a legend.

  2. How did the couch time machine work?

  3. That was my time story... although I do have another idea that I might throw together over the next week.
    I thank you for your kindness.

  4. Daly must be mad to get one of those machines. God help us two Daly's kicking the shit out of each other!!!!
    Rob you new picture disturbs me are you wearing makeup?

  5. The couch time machine works by sitting on it. It's activated by weight, a good movie and some refreshments. It'll pass an hour and a half or two hours relatively briskly. I recommend something like Predator or Top Gun.

    Yes, I am wearing make-up. Thanks for noticing. It's Zombify by Calvin Clone.

  6. Calvin Clone... I can feel a story coming.

    Another pseudo-rant against humanity. GAH, i'll have to change my name back for this one.

    Hey Kelly, how form?

  7. Calvin Clone is from, I think, Futurama.

  8. Fuck it. Story fading... MMMMMaaybe not.

    I'd just like to offer my comiserations to this story aswell, i just read Ians above.

  9. "There are fucking two of us. I only have three pairs of jeans, for fuck sake.”

    fucking classic.