Sunday, May 29, 2005

I'm Not Ready For This

I sit in my room alone, my head expanding like a balloon. It hurts a lot but I can’t be motivated enough to move. Rubbing my hands together slowly, I try to imagine what could be filling up my head so much. Ideally, it would be brains. So much that they pour out my ears and I can impress everyone with my new brains.
“Hey, have you seen Robs new brains?”
“Yeah, they’re wicked.”
More likely, it’s emptiness… loneliness. Empty space taking up space. Or maybe it’s fear. Afraid of going out and getting a job. I’m afraid of meeting and talking to people because I’ll just make a fool of myself. People leave the conversation saying “What an ass!”
Or maybe it’s anger at those same people, because they don’t understand me, filling my head with red. Blurring my vision so it’s looks as if everything is covered with blood. Although, nothing has changed colour yet just gotten bigger and more intimidating.
My head is almost touching the ceiling. I can feel my hair brush against it and I imagine the static electricity I could create. This makes me laugh for a couple of seconds but I remember that I don’t feel like laughing so I stop.
My ears look like small mice on the moon and it looks as if I’ve had a bad haircut as my hair is in clumps now around my head. I start fingering the bald areas tracing lines around the hair clumps. I then pretend to colour in the spots with my finger in different colours. First red, then green, then yellow and then blue.
I feel lonelier than ever, so I conclude my head is filling up with emptiness. I curse myself for having crushes on actress’s I’ll never meet and girls that are too pretty for me. I’m happy the way I am, though, and I wouldn’t change me for anything. Well, I might perhaps shrink my head back to its normal size. But then again it’s a side effect of being me… so maybe I won’t change it.
I should be proud of who I am and what I feel. I know this. I know I’m unique and special. My heads stops growing and just in time too, as I’ve had to tilt my head and rest it against the wall to prevent it from breaking through the ceiling, or breaking my neck.
I sigh and try to remember why I’m a good person. What have I done in my life that’s worth a damn? I can’t think of anything but then, when I try, I can’t think of anything I’ve done that was bad. Although, there are things I regret not doing.
My head shrinks back to normal, my hair fitting back into place, like a fine wig. I put my stereo on. Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy’s album ‘I see a Darkness’. In it he sings:
“I have a love for everyone I know and, you know, I have a drive to live. I won’t let go.”
I realise that’s all I need to be a good person. Just love everyone and enjoy life.
I feel better now, so I go onto the net to talk to some strangers.


  1. What? Did I nerf another one of your stories.
    Fuck your story ideas must be shit as I'm sucking the place up since the exams ended.
    Those fucking exams killed something inside me.

  2. Yeah, possibly.
    I just don't have whatever I had, to write anymore.
    I'm going to keep going to see what happens. But I feel I might stop for a while to zen myself if shit continues.

  3. No, this didn't nerf anything of mine. It was just an exclamation.

    I'm in the same boat as yourself Rob, i just haven't got the edge at the moment. I had some gold the other evening but I was already in bed. I was going to write it down but I had left my writing pad beside the frigging computer. So I told myself i'd remember it but that didn't really work out very well.

  4. Yea, I'm going to stop for a while. At least on this blog. There's a lot of pressure to perform here.