Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Kellys' Story Part Three

“God damn it” I screamed as I desperately tried to defend myself from the constant attacks of an annoying and obviously demonically possessed insect.
“Fuck I thought, I hate the summer all it does is bring forth legions of unholy insects to pester and bite me”.
In a desperate attempt to escape this hell spawned menace I dived into the nearest shop. As I looked around the room in which I found myself I couldn’t help but think ‘Ah me thinks fate has lead me to this location for a reason. Perhaps I should search this establishment for some adult entertainment’. Luckily for me I had ended up in HMV, which did in fact hold in stock adult movies. I walked upstairs and had a look around until I found my desired section.
To my eternal grief there was someone standing in the middle of the section. Even the back of this persons head annoyed me.
‘What’s the point in looking at porn if I cannot view A to Z’ I thought.
I decided the only honourable way out of this situation would be to walk up to this person and obeying the rules of gentlemanly conduct gradually nudge him until he was standing in front of the kiddies section which was conveniently right beside the porn section.
I walked up beside this person planted my feet and prepared my self for one of the all time great shoulders when suddenly this person turned looked at me and said
“Ah dumdum I see you are still remembering to breath. You must be more intelligent than you look, act or sound”
As I gazed at this persons face I suddenly realized where I had seen him before, it was the asshole who had taken my copy of Gardening plus a few weeks earlier. Sheathing with rage I stood there glaring at him.
“Ah” he said coughing,” I see that although you are still breathing you appear to have forgotten how to speak. God you really are a dingbat”.
“Ha” I screamed, “Dingbats are extinct” I turned and ran out of the building.
I always felt that the only true way to win an argument was to get the last word in.
As I emerged from HMV I was once more accosted by my flying insecticide nemesis. After throwing a few quick swats at it I dived through the nearest open door.
I quickly looked around and thought ‘damn who knew that HMV has two doors’
“Out of my way you blithering idiot. “Said the annoying looking man as he pushed me aside.
“That’s it” I shouted, “You are going down”.
I ran outside to finally obliterate this abomination of humanity.
“What now you moron” he said turning to face me.
I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting a human torso… I couldn’t help but think that this was not going my way. I opened my eyes and looked up at the 6 foot pile of walking muscle who had some how stepped between my intended victim and I. Strange I thought he actually looks like a cross between Mr. T and Arnie only meaner.
“You are dead meat,” he rumbled.
‘Shit’, I thought, ‘Time to get medieval on his ass.’
With a lightening uppercut and a kick to the groin I found myself lying face down on the ground. ‘Damn’ I thought ‘he is fast and strong, it looks like this is going to take something special to finish’. I looked around the area and say a brick wall about six paces away from me. ‘Oh yes’ I thought as my mind raced like Linford Christy being chased by a rabid goat, ‘Hears the plan I get up run to the wall if he is close behind me I run up the wall do a back flip and then landing behind him deliver one of the all time great punches to the back of the head driving his face into the wall rendering him unconscious. If he was a little too far behind me for this I would use the wall to execute a spin kick to the jaw rendering him unconscious’. ‘Gold’ I screamed as I leapt to my feet and with every ounce of strength sprinted towards the wall. It was at this moment that I realized two things. One I had no idea where my opponent was and two wasn’t the wall only six paces away.
As my skull cannoned against the wall my whole life flashed before my eyes this event was extremely short which depressed the hell out of me.
As I opened my eyes to look into a paramedics face I mumbled” Where is the bastard”
“Oh apparently he walked off” he said “a witness said that the sight of a grown man running face first into a brick wall was too much for him”.
‘Oh yes’ I thought ‘although it was a little unorthodox Victory Kelly’
As they lifted me on to the stretcher that fly reappeared ‘Your next’ I thought I closed my eyes, summoned my remaining strength, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this offending insect. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘I didn’t know hitting a fly felt like that’.
As I was loaded on to the ambulance to the background scream of a familiar woman’s voice saying, “That bastard just punched my daughter in the face… Again” I couldn’t help but feel that this had been one of my better trips to town.


  1. Thanks Daly. How is the studying going? When are you finished your exams?

  2. You guys are insane. hysterically, delightfully insane.

    dingbats are extinct. hehehe

  3. Not for two mu-tha-faw-kin weeks bud.

    Top quality story, i love the Mac 10 bit. and in the last one aswell.

  4. A small bit, I think. Around the foreign section.

  5. Oh Ian, Carnivale has been cancelled, as well. So, this second season is the last. Just so you know.

  6. Yeah the porn in HMV is just crappy though - more like nude excercise videos.

    Carnivale is for quentins. I'm glad it's gone.

  7. I guess it's time for a story about how a bunch of circus freaks are better than the Rage.

  8. Do your worst. The Rage will still be king. Carnivale will still be bullshit.

  9. what is HMV?
    I thank my lucky stars I have lots of good porn.

    Sucks about Carnivale. Someone told me it was really good and I wanted to watch it.

  10. Ughh. Ignore my HMV question. brain malfunction.

  11. Sounds like a case of the brain slugs!

  12. hahaha

    poor little thing died from starvation.

  13. oh Hey Robert
    Ian said you have the up and up on music and looking at your interests I think we have similar tastes in music. DO you have anything that you really really recommend? I'm in the market to expand my music collection.

  14. Oh you did not just ask that.

    Oh it's owwwwnnnn now. For Rob that is. Not for me.

  15. Robs gonna cream himself when he reads that.

  16. No, not scared, just prepared for a comprehensive, lenghty answer. Rob knows his music.

  17. Ok, if you like the Shins (I know you do), you should try The Unicorns (They only have one album called 'Who will cut our hair when we're gone'. It's pop but they sing about death and unicorns and such). The Shins were called 'Flake music' for an album called 'When you land here, it's time to return' that you should be able to pick up from amazon. It sounds like them but not as good.
    And then there's 'The Postal Service'. You might have heard of them. They do sweet electronic pop.
    I see you like Neko Case as well. So, the New Pornographers should be in your ball park. She sings for them but they are power-pop. You probably know about them already.
    If you like Interpol, there is a new band call The Cloud Room from NYC. They kick ass. They kind of sound like Interpol mixed with David Bowie. Their song Hey Now Now is available off their site. Should should download that.

    Name, specifically who you like. Your profile doesn't give uch away.

  18. Shit, Ian was right.
    Anyway, spill who you like... the more specific you are, the more I can say. Which is a lot.

  19. Actually, lets not forget 'Magnetic Fields' and their rediculously good and influencial triple album '69 Love Songs'.

  20. Hey, shouldn't you be, like, studying or summit? You... over there... with the red face.

  21. You'd probably like The Kick Asses, they're totally kick ass. And if you like The BuggerNoughts then you'll definitely dig The ShitMagnets, they make sounds using, wait for it... Shit and Magnets. OMG!!!!!!
    Also you might listen to The Worms From My Anus, not very pleasant and they don't talk but it's just a suggestion. I see you like The Toilet Seat Up, that's fairly odd for a girl.
    If you give me more information on your taste in music, i'll be able to steer you well in the wrong direction. If you like The Vanilla Ice Creams then try out The Chocolate Ice Creams for a change. One sound you might be interested in is The Radio, they like to mix it up, lots of variety.
    I came across The Pictures of Naked Ladies last night, that was entertaining. I imagine you may be more into The Phallus though.

    Yeah I really can't say any more until I know what you like, specifically.

  22. Yea, all those bands Daly mentioned are good too.

  23. The Phallus = funny. Yes I am going back to study now.

  24. Daly: Ya the mac 10 thing has been done to death its time for a change. If I have time I’ll set up my own blog and start a new story I’m thinking of doing one on the king of Bahrain his giant flag and the tree of life (Unbelievably based on a true story?)

  25. Yea Kelly, don't forget to include Bond and poopoo this time. Mysteriously lacking from your earlier pieces.

    And motherfucker.

  26. Hey I couldn’t infringe on Lennon and McCartney’s copyright

  27. Motherfucker isn't copyrighted, you could use that... or mothertrucker is acceptable.

  28. I'm already down with the postal srvice, new pornagaphers, hmm My myspace profile has a HUGE fucking list of all favs. I'm going to post it on my as to not clog yours up

  29. Also I am a huge music hound so I like long lengthy answers on music.

  30. That's good because I hate to give short answers on music.

    You're the best. I will most def. check your recommendations out.


    More MAC-10 reference please. There's nothing better than a MAC-10. It strikes a chord deep within my soul - a gun that can be fired at point blank range at something and not hit or damage it at all. It's incredible.