“God damn it” I screamed as I desperately tried to defend myself from the constant attacks of an annoying and obviously demonically possessed insect.
“Fuck I thought, I hate the summer all it does is bring forth legions of unholy insects to pester and bite me”.
In a desperate attempt to escape this hell spawned menace I dived into the nearest shop. As I looked around the room in which I found myself I couldn’t help but think ‘Ah me thinks fate has lead me to this location for a reason. Perhaps I should search this establishment for some adult entertainment’. Luckily for me I had ended up in HMV, which did in fact hold in stock adult movies. I walked upstairs and had a look around until I found my desired section.
To my eternal grief there was someone standing in the middle of the section. Even the back of this persons head annoyed me.
‘What’s the point in looking at porn if I cannot view A to Z’ I thought.
I decided the only honourable way out of this situation would be to walk up to this person and obeying the rules of gentlemanly conduct gradually nudge him until he was standing in front of the kiddies section which was conveniently right beside the porn section.
I walked up beside this person planted my feet and prepared my self for one of the all time great shoulders when suddenly this person turned looked at me and said
“Ah dumdum I see you are still remembering to breath. You must be more intelligent than you look, act or sound”
As I gazed at this persons face I suddenly realized where I had seen him before, it was the asshole who had taken my copy of Gardening plus a few weeks earlier. Sheathing with rage I stood there glaring at him.
“Ah” he said coughing,” I see that although you are still breathing you appear to have forgotten how to speak. God you really are a dingbat”.
“Ha” I screamed, “Dingbats are extinct” I turned and ran out of the building.
I always felt that the only true way to win an argument was to get the last word in.
As I emerged from HMV I was once more accosted by my flying insecticide nemesis. After throwing a few quick swats at it I dived through the nearest open door.
I quickly looked around and thought ‘damn who knew that HMV has two doors’
“Out of my way you blithering idiot. “Said the annoying looking man as he pushed me aside.
“That’s it” I shouted, “You are going down”.
I ran outside to finally obliterate this abomination of humanity.
“What now you moron” he said turning to face me.
I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting a human torso… I couldn’t help but think that this was not going my way. I opened my eyes and looked up at the 6 foot pile of walking muscle who had some how stepped between my intended victim and I. Strange I thought he actually looks like a cross between Mr. T and Arnie only meaner.
“You are dead meat,” he rumbled.
‘Shit’, I thought, ‘Time to get medieval on his ass.’
With a lightening uppercut and a kick to the groin I found myself lying face down on the ground. ‘Damn’ I thought ‘he is fast and strong, it looks like this is going to take something special to finish’. I looked around the area and say a brick wall about six paces away from me. ‘Oh yes’ I thought as my mind raced like Linford Christy being chased by a rabid goat, ‘Hears the plan I get up run to the wall if he is close behind me I run up the wall do a back flip and then landing behind him deliver one of the all time great punches to the back of the head driving his face into the wall rendering him unconscious. If he was a little too far behind me for this I would use the wall to execute a spin kick to the jaw rendering him unconscious’. ‘Gold’ I screamed as I leapt to my feet and with every ounce of strength sprinted towards the wall. It was at this moment that I realized two things. One I had no idea where my opponent was and two wasn’t the wall only six paces away.
As my skull cannoned against the wall my whole life flashed before my eyes this event was extremely short which depressed the hell out of me.
As I opened my eyes to look into a paramedics face I mumbled” Where is the bastard”
“Oh apparently he walked off” he said “a witness said that the sight of a grown man running face first into a brick wall was too much for him”.
‘Oh yes’ I thought ‘although it was a little unorthodox Victory Kelly’
As they lifted me on to the stretcher that fly reappeared ‘Your next’ I thought I closed my eyes, summoned my remaining strength, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this offending insect. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘I didn’t know hitting a fly felt like that’.
As I was loaded on to the ambulance to the background scream of a familiar woman’s voice saying, “That bastard just punched my daughter in the face… Again” I couldn’t help but feel that this had been one of my better trips to town.