Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Narcissus

Bond leaned forward across the bar and spat in the woman’s face…
“And fuck you too!”
The woman was just one in a long line who had refused Bonds ‘bed-time gymnastics’ that night and she probably wouldn’t be the last. He was desperate now. So desperate, he would do anything to perform fooly kooly. Even if it meant feeling up his own mother he was game.
“Hmmm, my groin is on fire with liquid love.”
Filled with sex thoughts, he was ready to whip out his love candle and stick it in any woman who didn’t run away.
This was his night. He could feel it.
The bar was dense with babes. Bond looked around ranking women as he scanned them with his dry, beady eyes.
“A four. Too fat”
“Ooh… A seven. No. No arse. Three.”
“Glasses. Disgusting. Zero.”
“Fucking ugly. Two.
“ARGH. YOU REPULSE ME. A ONE.”
And this was when he spied her, a hot blonde of the female persuasion ripe for his expert tutorage.
“Oh, even better than that!” he cackled, back hunched, as he spied that she was heading towards the bathroom.
“Romantic shag in a cubicle…”
Oh, he slobbered at the thought. Spit ran down his cheesy work shirt, which was peppered with hashish burn holes. Grabbing his pint, he drunkenly sauntered over to the ladies lavatory and tripped over a dustbin.
“Sorry, little boy. I didn’t notice you parked there” he slurred.
The ladies loo was the work of several brilliant minds. Inside, red satin couches lined two walls. A woman, whose sole occupancy was to dry hands with soft velveteen towels, stood patiently in the corner. Machines adorned the walls gifting ‘womanly’ items and expensive Swedish chocolates. The cubicles were each uniquely designed by separate Interior Designers famous in mainland Europe.
Unfortunately, Bond never made it as far as the inside of the ladies toilet because, as part of its features, the lavatory had a mirror for a door. Bond was randy beyond comprehension and upon viewing his own reflection he proceeded to rub himself lithely against the mirror.
“Uh, you want it, don’t you?” he asked the door like an idiot.
The muffled sound and ugly sight of a deranged moron getting off with his reflection lured some real people to the situation and Bond was promptly ejected from the establishment.
Outside, he picked flowers from the city park and shoved them up his arse.

40 comments:

  1. Yeah Tom Bond is a disgusting human being.

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  2. “Sorry, little boy. I didn’t notice you parked there” he slurred. = funny as fuck.

    Yes this bond character does strike me as a dispicable human being. The worst of the worst, one might say.

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  3. Yes, Bond has real problems. All of which we will air on this blog.

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  4. Robert why did you make yourself look like a clay golem?

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  5. Oh hold on. We're good for Bond annihilation now? I was taking it easy cos I thought that's what we were doing.

    *Daly engages second gear.*

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  6. Yeah Rob, did you do that with Photoshop? Make yourself look undead. For a laugh. Or send me the master pic and i'll rework it and send it back. I'm handy enough with the 'Shop.

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  7. I did it in Microsoft Paint. I have never used photoshop.

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  8. Bond annihilation? I dunno.
    I guess whatever you do with your posts is fine with me... Do what you want in other words.
    I'll send you the pic, I suppose. If gmail was working for me. Maybe tomorrow, if I remember.

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  9. Yeah sure. I like messing with the 'Shop trying out stuff with cars. I'll look for some zombie pics on the net and see what i can do to zombify you. lololo

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  10. lololo - What the fuck does that shit mean?

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  11. Can't you make me look like, i dunno... look like... A CAR... or a robot. That'd be awesome. And by awesome, I mean totally sweet.

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  12. Also, I'm surprised neither of you asked what fooly kooly meant.
    It's Japanese slang for feeling up a womans breast.
    Ian, I have an anime called fooly kooly, I'm going to drop your way before the end of the year. It'll kick your brains ass.

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  13. I assumed fooly kooly was an ocscure reference to sexual intercourse, or some form of sexual activity at least. My brains ass is ready and willing to be kicked.

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  14. Good mail Rob, I'm gonna download some of the homer shit when Im not so weary, also if I remember I'll download the stuff you want me to tomorrow, you shitbeast.

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  15. I just pretended I knew what it was. Even to myself. "Oh yeah, fooly kooly. That's a laugh"

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  16. Make you look like a car or a robot? I dunno. I'm only practising here. The more difficult the job the less realistic it'll look.

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  17. Here Daly, I'm really liking Jamiroquais new song as well. I saw the video again a couple of times today. A bit of a mess but full of collio stuff.

    And Daly, go here for Simpsons goodies.
    http://www.homerize.com/shorts/

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  18. Yeah it's growing on me. I'm loving the lyrics.

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  19. Hey Daly,

    If your handy with the photo, Check out www.worth1000.com , some cool shit on that site, the guys on this site are real nerds and Im sure turning your head into a car would be no problem.

    Honestly, go to the contest section and check it out, daly if your good you should enter a competition.

    Oh yeah, girls, its true, my offical title is "Irelands Hottest Guy"...

    I won a competition for that title...

    tis weird talkin bout it, cuz im shy like that, right rob! lol

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  20. Cheers for that man. Theres a celebrity time travel one there. Looks good. A little more practice and i'll start entering a few of them.

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  21. Now I have fully read this and I fully enjoyed the emntal image of a slonb rubbing himself in a mirror then getting kicked out of the hotel. kudos for the exspensive Swedish chocolates.

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  22. What the fuck?!!!!!i can take DALY being a KNOB of shit constantly but now your at it as well.i don't appreciate it rob.You have no clue what im really like rob and ill take it to heart if i see you posting about me again.wouldnt mind much but its obvious your just being lazy so fuck off and think something up instead of ripping on me.Also i feel the need to defend myself cause im nothing like the person portrayed in any of these stories.

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  23. Well done for kicking Bond's ass here. He's such a twat. And it's nice everyone (except Daly) has a pic now. I think it's cool.

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  24. Woah, woah, woooaaaaahhhh.

    Bond isn't a twat.... most of the time.
    Nothing personal Bond. In fact, to make it up, I'm going to post something insulting about me tonight. Going to have to put all of my creative juices to work there... eh?... Eh?

    No.

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  25. To clarify again, Bond is absolutly nothing like the character portrayed in these stories. He is a gentle soul who enjoys hanging with the boys and having a laugh. Like everyone.
    He is not a smelly, slimey, freaky, hairy, drug-upped, under-sexed, toothless, door riding, rubbish dump inhabiting, beady eyed, witless, hunch backed, frightened creature with no sense of style. Far from it.
    I'll still write that story about me, though.

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  26. And why did Ian just say Fuck off? Ian?

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  27. Shit.
    I thought you was talking about JAMES Bond here.
    Clearly we got mixed up.
    My apologies to the person concerned.

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  28. Oh Christ. The mysterious Bondole crawls in here and starts squealing "No I'm not, no I'm not." And everyone instantly apologises. Except maybe Ian as it's not clear who the "Fuck off" was aimed at.

    I challenge you Bond, with the fact that Rob does know what you're like. He just wrote an accurate description of you for fucks fucking sake. If he'd included Doc and some Coca-cola it'd be your fucking autobiography.

    I, The Rage, am ever magnanimous however, and offer you the chance to respond. Simply send me on some of your derogatory scribblings and I will post them in their complete and unedited form. I don't care who it's about - meaning you can go to town on me (if you think you can), but please make it witty.

    The offer is on the table. My email is available through my profile.

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  29. I'd also like to compliment Rob on his earlier response that make it look like he wasn't slagging the hell out of Bond. Sly.

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  30. I stand by what I said before and also by what Daly said.
    If you want to send something insulting the shit out of Daly or I, you can send it to Daly or I or and one of us will post it.
    Or you can start your own blog and post something. Or you can scribe something down on paper, give it to Dan who'll give it to me.... And I'll slap it on the Internet, if the electronic means are out of the question.
    But I don't see what the problem with a bit of slagging is, though. It happens all the time at Dan's place.

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  31. Yes, as long as people don't start taking it personally and crying. I hate it when people cry.

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  32. I have a query, where you said Robert, "And this was when he spied her, a hot blonde of the female persuasion ripe for his expert tutorage." Since you specified that his quarry was of the female persuasion does this also mean that the Bond indulges in individuals of the male persuasion also?

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  33. Ian - at that part I assumed that the hot blond was actually a drag queen. I don't need to be persuade to be female. Though every other Tuesday Jessie and I dress up in men suits and cruise the streets of Shrewsbury. Very swank.

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