Saturday, May 07, 2005

Starbuck

Dirk Benedict rolled off the couch onto the ground. His mouth tasted like shit. Memories of the previous night began to flood back. Shame filled his cheeks, had he really fallen so far? Letting an underage asian hooker shit into his mouth while people watched and laughed. They told him they’d give him two hundred dollars if he did it, but then they only gave him fifty… out of pity. Dirk felt tears begin to well up behind his eyes. He was Starbuck, god dammit. He was Face. This stuff didn’t happen to him… but it just had. He looked around the apartment, it was a one box room crammed full of trinkets and rubbish.

The phone rang from under a pile of old magazines. Dirk leapt over to grab it, then stopped. It was probably his accountant. “But what if it’s a job?” he mused. He reached over to pick it up, but it had stopped ringing.

His last job had been opening a local radio commercial for a small convenience store. They had paid him in money-off vouchers for the store. He looked at the pile of vouchers and cursed. He punched at them and sent them flying out the window. Later he went out to pick them up. He rubbed at his neck, raw and sore – he had stolen a rope from a tramp two days previous. His hanging attempt went very wrong though as he TV bracket he tried to hang himself from came crashing down upon his head.

He was about to walk out when he noticed an unopened letter beneath his door. “God, not that saddo Ian again. Doesn’t he know I’m not the real Starbuck?” The letter wasn’t from Ian though. It was from “The Nashunol Lottery” and it contained a letter telling Dirk that he was the “guaranteed winner of $25,000.” All he had to do was call a number, and press 1 when he heard the reference number of his letter to receive the money.

Desperate he spent two days on the phone listening to reference numbers. In the end his phone connection died. His bill had run up to $25,000. He was at his lowest ebb, but just when everything seemed like it couldn’t get any worse, he suffered a stroke. Dirk was left with only parts of his body working. He couldn’t call for help, and he had just shit himself. It took him two weeks to die as a leaking roof ensured he received fresh water every day.

Dirk Benedict: The Real Starbuck.

21 comments:

  1. Hold on, I have to ring Dirk up and see if he is offended by this.....

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  2. Right, after a quick phone call, he said it's okay. He is just happy to have his name publicized once again after so many years alone and unfamous.

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  3. Dirk Benedict has more talen in the tip of his little finger than either of you can hope to amass across the entire span of your lonely, unfulfilling lives.

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  4. Ah christ. My next post will have no chance of offending anyone.

    Actually scratch that. I have an idea.

    Yeah Ian, Dirk is better than you. but not as good as shit. And certainly not as good as me or Rob.

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  5. I found that Lynndie England thing I was telling you about ages ago Rob.

    http://badgas.co.uk/lynndie/

    Have a read of the introduction on that page, it's funny, some of their new pics are hilarious.

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  6. Dirk is way better than you Daly. How many books or T.V. shows have you written? None. How many T.V shows or movies have you featured in? None. Dirk should be your God. You merely suffer an over inflated sense of self.

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  7. I experience an actual sense of self.

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  8. Is this another real person? I'm starting to become glad I don't know you folks in real life god knows what sort of crap you'd have me doing.

    the leaking roof was a nice touch

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  9. A real person! Dirk Benedict! Of couorse he's a real person, we just don't know him. Have you ever watched The A-Team?

    Oh and Daly Dirk Benedict beat prostate cancer so he is way better than you. You're a pussy.

    Also I require clarification of one part of this amalgam of bullshit. Where you said

    "His last job had been opening a local radio commercial for a small convenience store"

    Does this mean that he performed the opening of the radio commerical? Or simply launched the radio advertising campaign? Or perhaps even officially opened the convenience store?

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  10. I was 8 when the A team when off the air. If I saw it then it was only a few times and I haven't seen it since. I remember Dukes of Hazards more.

    At first I thought you said Dirk Benedict was better than me for beating prostrate cancer and that I was a pussy. I almost kicked your ass.

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  11. Thanks for that clarification Ian. I'd forgotten.

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  12. I think I'm going to start calling you Hutch. Ian "Hutch" Hamilton.

    and due to your turdly nature soon everyone will be saying "damn I'm having a bad case of the Ians I need to go to the hutch."

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  13. That was so funny I almost Ian my pants.

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  14. Hutch - b/c it sounds so nice with Hamiliton. (also I don't really know the difference)

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  15. For years I have struggled and striven to be known as maverick the world over. Now I must settle for Hutch. Sigh.

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  16. But Isn't Hutch the sexy one?

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  17. Yes, Hutch is the sexy one. You're right.

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  18. then stop complaining Hutch

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