Sunday, May 01, 2005

"You can run..."

Sector 342 over the dead planet Lorax was one of the quietest in the known universe, usually. For the past 21 minutes it had been a hive of activity. 21 minutes ago, without warning a small two-man ship had dropped out of faster-than-light travel into high orbit over the planet. A few minutes later it vanished, then returned with a carrier containing a squadron of small fighters. Seconds after that the mighty BattleStar “Ians Folly” dropped out of hyper-light above the planet.

“All personnel, this is the captain. Remain on high alert,” screamed Benedict over the comm system. “We’re not out of hot water yet.” They had been running like girls from a Cylon Base Star for 68 hours without break. Benedict hoped that hiding near this backwater planet would throw the Cylon legends off their trail.

“Captain, incoming transmission,” squealed a hot female crew member. Benedict had tried it on with her a few weeks back. But he was old and shit and not the real Starbuck. “From whom?”

“The Cylon BaseStar that’s been tracking us.”


“Hold on Captain, I’ll put it up on the view screen.”

“Jesus it’s on top of us. BATTLESTATIONS.”

“Sorry Captain, I’m just zoomed in, look here it is properly.”

Benedict gnashed his teeth. He had not asked for this command. Indeed, no captain in their right mind asked for command of “Ians Folly” – the worst ship in the fleet. It’s crew numbered all those too stupid to live. The ships’ doctors’ name was Bond, and somehow the ship had run out of medication within seconds of Bond boarding.

“We’re being hailed Captain.”

“On screen.”

“Captain Benedict. You’re looking tired, so I wont keep you long. Here are our terms: Cake or Death.”

“Ah, the legendary space captain, The Rage. You’re looking brilliant today,” simpered Benedict.


“Not in the mood for talking my Liege?”

“Oh I am, just not to you Benedict. Six is waiting for me. Although I probably won’t be doing much talking there either. Cake or Death”

“Well after some consideration, we’ve decided to go with Cake. How shall you be sending it over?”

“If you take me off the view screen and look at my ship then you’ll see.”

Benedict switched over to the view of the BaseStar. For a second it was perfectly still, then it appeared to erupt into a thousand points of light that twisted and snaked around each other.

Benedict looked around, confused. “Did we win?”

“Captain, they’re incoming missiles.”

“Cake missiles?”

“No real ones, but we do seem to be picking up traces of cake on some of them.”

“Well at least they’re not liars anyway. Will it be ok to eat when it gets here. What sort of cake is it?”

“Captain, even if it’s ok to eat when it gets here, we’re not going to be ok to eat it.”

“Ok, yeah, I see. Can we jump to hyper-light? Any suggestions?”

“No Captain, you asked for the FTL drives to be shut off. They were giving you a headache.”

“So this is it then?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“I was always a bit of a crap actor wasn’t I?”

“Yes, Captain.”

If there had been any creatures left alive on the planet Lorax they would have seen the most beautiful sight in the sky that night. A thousand streams of light intersected at one point in space and a huge conflagration resulted, lighting the surface of the planet for a brief second. Like sparks from a fire, millions of pieces of "Ians Folly" spread out in every direction, shooting through space like stars.

Shortly afterwards, Cylon Raiders were dispatched to destroy all the remaining pieces of the ship. It took twelve years. But it was worth it.


  1. I don't really have anything to say about this, except that after the line "Well at least they’re not liars anyway." I couldn't figure out how to finish the story properly so it gets a bit weak after that. Until the last paragraph which is mega.

  2. Folly, I love the word folly. Thhis would make a really good prequel to Rocky beating the fuck out of the Cylons.

  3. Cake missiles. Legendary. If the laughter bot was here,he would be laughing.

  4. I don't get it.

  5. I guess writing stories insulting each other is more creative than just calling each other names.
    For this I applaude you.

  6. OHHHHH, first post of May. You must feel how Katie Holmes feels dating Tom Cruise. Ooh La La.

  7. No I feel like Jordan, having pissed into a pint glass in front of twenty young men in a hotel bar for a bet. (True story)