Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Butter Blade 01

And on that fiery Halloween night, the sky ablaze with impending doom, a beast was born onto a rural pasture. While Russian rockets left trails across the European sky, turning night into day, a mutant calf was ejected into the world that will be named Butter Blade for the delectable butter her milk would produce. But before then, she would have to endure the ignorant hand of her small-minded owner who would not understand the special fate that was bestowed upon that calf since birth. A fate so special that it was written in the skies for the globe to watch on television.

You see, this absurdity was born with double the head of an expected calf. In fact, it would be known, that the farmers didn’t even notice the extra head until the time the new born was placed beside a regular calf, so was the general dumb brainary of the land owners. But, they were sure to notice the particularly unique attributes this extra head would possess, even allowing for their low IQ’s.

As it happened, shortly after the calf got her legs and began to jostle about the fields like the regulars, so too did her second head begin to speak English and declare humans ‘exceedingly ignorant of their negative actions’. And consequently the calf received beatings from the farmer that would leave her crippled throughout the winter months as the cold settled into her bones, gifting the cow the knowledge of great pain and the power to endure it. A power would prove invaluable in the future for in the west, as Butter Blade mawed in solitary grief, another missile strike was gearing up, one of such magnitude that it would not leave even a fly alive to talk about it.

Come the subsequent summer, the young calf's health had returned and she even got stronger, her intelligent head noticeably more chipper than during the winter months, giving friendly advice to the other calves on their hygiene and personal grooming. Life on the farm was settling down again as the farmer accepted the appearance of the unusual creature and even grew fond of her, especially when her butter was produced and her name was chosen. Those months seemed to be the sunniest in years but, despite the prayers of the farmer, things were going to take an abrupt turn for the incredible.


  1. As a regular over-achiever and someone who's increasingly become fatigued from meditating to daylight between the bloke / bisexual ranking second behind me, I say with utmost seriousness: Go the unbackable underdog.

    Go the mighty and sacred English-capable two-headed Butter Blade and stampede those that view your blessed udders with sexual misconduct in the corners of their eyes.

    It's not often that I place labels on people or bovine, but I believe I stand in a crowded room of agreeing well-wishers when I say that Butter Blade is a true hero; a crusader for those who choose common sense over beastiality and a commandier of revenge in its most potent form.

    At least I hope that's the case. Be free, calfie, and fuck 'em over good and proper[ly].

  2. This blog seems oddly familiar, like the distant memory of a fruitful spring time.

  3. Nice one Rob. It’s a shame though I can’t see this story turning out well for Butter Blade. And I was looking forward to eating her!