Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Further Adventures of Ian the Incredible

The Hispanic prostitute I lay upon moaned and squirmed like a quadriplegic mute. With my eyes, I sent venomous signals, threatening violent acts that would leave her too handicapped to perform her chosen line of work. But she was too busy faking orgasm to notice my rage, to busy too early. I had only began to feel heat and she was already barking like a wild dog, gnawing at my shoulder, whispering Latin phrases I couldn’t understand into my ear. I was about to fake it myself when my phone rang.
“Ohhh baby, you make my ears ring”, purred the whore.
I leapt off the sweaty bed and slammed the phone to my ear.
“Ohhh baby, that was the best fuck I’ve eva’ experienced.” She elongated the second vowel in the last word until it nearly broke.
“Shut up bitch,” I spat at her. “This call is more important than your life.”
I hear a rustling on the other end, a smooth velvety rustle. The sound of air breathed through the lungs of a hero.
“Robert.” It’s Ian’s voice. A thrill of excitement electrifies my spine.
“Yes Ian.” I reply tentatively.
“This is almost too easy.”
I punch the air, my tongue waggles in the air and my neck hair does a waltz.
“Who is that, yo’ girlfriend?”
I had forgotten about the slut, who sat on the bed impatiently, cleaning her three inch long, leopard printed fingernails.
I spin around and leap on the hooker, pinning her to the waterbed.
“You ignorant putita. No simple woman can compare to Ian. I ought to rip out your tongue and eat it in front of you.”
Her eyes shot wide and I spat in her face. A minor punishment for such an unforgivable error, as if I could expect anything more from a simple b-girl. And in the distance, as if coming from another room, I could hear jolly laughing.
I grasp the phone back up to my ear.
“Ha, you showed that stupid bitch. I expected nothing less from you.”
“Ian, what’s happened on the island? Have you found anything out?”
Almost before I could finish my question he had begun a triumphant chortle.
“Of course, you simian. I have only just uncovered the secret headquarters. “
“Wow.” I couldn’t hold it back.
“Oh no.”
Ian seemed shocked. I was unsure because I had never heard any emoticons from him other than heroic one-liners, but it definitely sounded like shock.
“What’s happening?” I scream, shaking the phone in front of my mouth.
“It’s him… shit, the only man I fear.”
He dropped his phone. At first there is only a deadly silence, apart from my heart beating in my ears. Who was he talking about? And what were they doing on the island?
And abrupt noise began to jut from the phones speaker. The sound of flesh on flesh, fist against chest, a low, deep voiced rumble, “You fool!” a grapple and now they were on the ground fighting for their lives.
And silence. Deep vivid silence punctuated by the exhalations of the streetwalker, who still lay on the bed in shock.
The sound of death poked through the phone and the harlot whimpered, obviously recognising the sound from the streets. I hiss at the dirty bitch, my hands shaking as I wait for a sign, anything to tell me the results of what sounded like a vicious battle between two mighty men.
“Are you there, motherfucker?”
Ians’ voice travelled into my head load and clear.
“Yes, Ian. Who did you kill?”
He breathed a frustrated sigh that suggested this execution wasn’t one he enjoyed.
“It was Mr. T, Rob. Mr. Fucking T. I didn’t want to kill him, but he made me.”
“… Oh.” I understood immediately.
“He was my hero man. And I fucked him up.”
I knew I had to get his mind away from it, motivate him to continue.
“How fucked up is he?”
“He’s a mangled mess of a human, unrecognisable from his former glory.” His voice picked up noticeable. “I fucked the shit out of Mr. T, that stupid punk.”
“Yes, Ian. Now keep on moving, God damn you.”
He laughs again and I am overjoyed to hear it.
“You don’t have to tell me that, you retard.” And he hangs up.
The Hispanic whore begins to scream after I drop the phone, so I decide to give her the best fuck she’ll ever experience. To shut her up.


  1. Laughing my arse off. Good work, Rob.
    Ian killed Mr T! bastard.
    I really like how you play it old school with the prostitute. Snoop would be proud of you.

  2. Oh, and 'I decide to give her the best fuck she’ll ever experience': lucky, lucky woman.

  3. Well... hopefully, it will get better.