Thursday, September 01, 2005

Katrina Sends Waves New Orleans Way

New Orleans is under Marshall Law tonight as the city is stripped of all valuable munitions and vehicles by looting local police. The NOPD have hauled all of the swag onto awaiting ships and helicopters, which were reserved for the stranded citizens of New Orleans, but now carry the plunder to a secret location patrolled by the U.S National Forces. After the battered low-lying city is past this cataclysmic event, the booty will be sold back to the healing citizens of New Orleans at severely inflated prices.
The rest of the ‘Most Totally Amazing Country In The World’(c) is already feeling the dramatic effects of the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. The price of Coca Cola, the leading soft drink and addictive substance, has reached a record high of €70 per barrel. “This is a blow to our customers,” said a concerned Coca Cola insider, “But we don’t give a shit. KER-CHING!”
Meanwhile, in the submerged city, the distraught public are suffering a break down of all social boundaries and restraints. Some black people were overheard by this reporter, saying: “Where we sup’osed to buy crack, eh? All them dealers all gone washed away. And what abou’ my chiller’s? Seventeen starving yungun’s swimmin’ in odder peoples shi’. They ain’t thirsty no mo’, but they sho’ bitin’ they lips with hunger’. We bin reduced to our fundamental most cannibalistic tendencies, y’all.”
No comments were forthcoming by any whites, as they have all been evacuated from the sinking city in limousines carved from solid blocks of gold.

12 comments:

  1. Check this out for some fucked up reports:
    http://www.warrenellis.com/

    A daily read for me... and should be one for you too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Two things:
    First where can I get me one of them limousines carved from solid blocks of gold?
    Secondly I am flagging this blog again as I was insulted by the blatant use of the word swag.

    ReplyDelete