Wednesday, September 07, 2005

A Political Carol

Little Timmy Boyd sleeps fitfully in his cot, a nightmare pushing and pulling at his young body, rolling it around from the inside out.
“Huh…” his light sigh sounds almost like nothing, like air expelling from his small mouth.
“Repub… Republicans… Democrats… NOOOOO!”
His springs up on his bed, one tiny hand grasping at the air in front of him as if he was trying to clasp the dream before it stole away. But it was gone and he wiped his brow, relieved.
“Oh, what a dream. What a nightmare.”
Timmy shudders.
“That was no dream little Timmy.”
A gravely voice coughs out the words, a voice that could belong to a gravedigger or perhaps…
“… Wuh… Who is there, in the dark?”
Something… someone steps from the shadows.
“Don’t be afraid Timmy. Please. It is I, the Ghost of Politics Present. But you can call me Bill.”
Timmy recognised his face instantly.
“Oh my, ex-US Chief Justice William Rehnquist. It’s a pleasure to meet you sir.”
The ghost chuckles.
“Oh, the pleasure is all mine Timmy, to meet a brave, smart, young man such as yourself. All mine.”
Timmy accepts Bill’s kind words with a smile.
“But I am here not for pleasantries Timmy, but to show you something very important. Perhaps the most vital phenomenon you will ever witness.”
“Gasp!” Young Timmy gasps.
“Take my hand Timmy and I will show you the world.”
“Oh boy” exclaims the boy, “most definitely, totally.”
And they shoot off through the boys’ bedroom window, hand in hand.

Later in Washington, our two intrepid, spiritual voyagers hover above the great Capitol Hill.

Bill salutes the Capitol building and sheds a tear.
“See this architectural monument Billy…”
“It’s Timmy sir.”
“This is where the most important people in the universe come to make your life better. Where they do the work designed for only the zenith of human-kind.”
Timmy’s jaw drops.
“Wow. Incredible sir.”
“Yes. Do you want to look inside?”
But before Timmy could answer, Bill dives down out of the clouds and floats serenely into the glorious structure.

Minutes later, inside the main atrium, little Timmy and Bill view the gathered government officials from high above, like great bald eagles.

“Sir,” begins Timmy trembling a little from the height. Bill holds him closer, “Who are all of those fat men down there?”
“Why Timmy, they are your elected representatives, the Republicans. Fine southern gentlemen who take care of all of the important issues such as brass tax increases and other peoples’ money.”
“But sir, why are they crying?”
All of the men below were indeed crying into silken handkerchiefs or velvet tissues.
“You see Timmy, although they do fine, decent, hard and respectable work, nobody likes them.”
Timmy furrows his brow, obviously feeling for the proud scholars weeping a story beneath his feet.
“No one likes them?”
“No Timmy. You see, the citizens of this great country don’t understand the important work these men do, and they insult and deride them everyday. And…” Bill can barely contain his grief, “and it hurts them deep Timmy. Right here.” He strokes Timmy’s chest.
“Oh ex-US Chief Justice Rehnquist, what can be done for these unfortunate heroes?”
“Oh don’t worry young Timmy, don’t worry one bit. We have a man who can turn the tides, who has a tongue of pure Nazi gold and an ineffable, Christian heart.”
And with these words, two giant doors swing open at the back of the auditorium and the clicking of heels against marble reverberates throughout the room.
Bills eyes widen and his jaw slackens as the President enters the room. All of the other men immediately cease crying and rise to a rousing standing ovation.
A pig in a suit, curled tail springing like an accordion, snout creasing and snorting, pink square hanging stylishly from breast pocket, the President is welcome on Capitol Hill.
Timmy wipes his eyes so that his peasant tears don’t obstruct his view of this magnificent beast.
“… Stunning…”
“Damn right Timmy. His is a great man… like his father.” Bill squeezes the young American tight with a fit of joy.
“But we must be going now. We are out of time.”
“Oh but Mister Rehnquist,” stammers Timmy urgently, “Who are those men down there?”
He points into a damp, shadowy corner where slimey, snake-like men slither among each other and hiss at the Republicans.
“Oh don’t mind those harmless bastards. They are just the Democrats.”
And they both laugh as they swoop out of the Capitol building, though the air and back into Timmys’ bedroom, hand in hand.

And back in Timmys’ room.

“Oh Mister Rehnquist, that was great. I totally understand how important it is to have Republicans as our leaders and, ultimately, saviours. Thank you.”
Bill swipes his hand through the air as if he was knocking the compliment back at the boy.
“Oh please. And call me Bill.”
“Ok… Bill.” Timmy flutters his eyelashes humbly.
“Will you visit me again Mister… Bill. Please do.”
“Hohoho… definitely Timmy.”
“Oh Bill, I am so excited.”
“So am I, Timmy. So am I. Say... do you always wear pyjamas in bed?”
And they fall over each other in a shared fit of joy.


  1. Jesus Daly...
    So many small changes... it's getting weird...
    You posts are whiter...
    My Space is called Ghey Space...
    Although the counter being moved up into the right column is pure good.
    Still... good work all round.

  2. Listen bud, and this is for Ian aswell if you don't like anything or you'd like to see something in particular then just let me know. I'm just messing around at the moment and going with what I like.

    I'm removing the Swastika banner. I've got another and it's a doozie. Hang around for a few minutes.

  3. Good work Daly. Good work. I appreciate the fact that I am the only person on the ghey list. Clever.

    Man I just watched a fucking brilliant episode of Miami Vice. Blew my mind.

  4. Ok, i'll change that too. (I'll put Rob in there)

  5. Ah I changed it myself, but feel free to change it to anything you want. Even ghey space, which is a delightful play on words and a profound social commentary on the myspace phenomenon.

    The new banner is outstanding, by the way.

  6. I changed it to Ianland, but we must have been editing it at the same time. How bad.

    Yeah I'm still waiting for Rob to come up with a proper banner idea though.

  7. People dissapearing into a space which may or may not be there own.If i had a space it would be cramped and painfull.
    I have just watched the film "secretary" and found it much like catastrophic kidney failure.That is to say mildly amusing.

  8. Great Banner...

    It's going to have to go... but funny shit...
    Yep,. it's gone.


    Aw man, I was looking to change contributers to Legends but I couldn't find it.... and you went ahead and did it on your own... brilliant. Excellent.

  10. Ok Rob, you're pissing on the parade royally. Throw up something yourself. All you've got to do is go into the template and replace the URL of the pic that's there with one of your own and hey presto. The rest is already done.

    If the pic is 760 pixels wide it will fit perfectly. You may have to mess with the picture border for a bit to suit the depth.

    And make it entertaining, for fuck sake. I really like the one that's there now.

  11. Well, I want to go for something more abstract like I told you before... so, it takes more time....

    But when I have something... I'll puke it up....

    But I have to say I prefer the Nazi one to the current banner.

  12. Ian's not a big fan of the Nazis.

    I have another idea.