Thursday, September 15, 2005

September 19th. That day of days.

Alex strode through the revolving door breathing in the all too familiar smell of education. He looked around the college. Not much had changed. The "alternatives" still huddled together and attempted to look broody and unpleasant. The plastics compared shades of pink and covertly examined each others hair to see how straight it was. The "jocks" worked feverishly to prevent their upturned collars from losing definition and collapsing in a shameful display of normality. "Motherfuckers!" he thought to himself, "I hate these assholes, pretentious cocksuckers. Fuck it, at least I'm not an art student."

He marched off to his first class of the year after having consulted a poorly photocopied information sheet. Everywhere he looked all he saw was assholes, shitheads, egotistical lecturers and wannabe hot bitches. He got to the door of the class to find it blocked by an overly large group of "jocks", "plastics" and clingers on. They dismissively looked Alex up and down and went back to their non-consequential conversation about how drunk they had been over the weekend and how many STI's they had contracted. Alex couldn't take this shit anymore. He looked and the group and screamed. "YOU BUNCH OF FUCKERS!" he grabbed the tall brunette by the face and swung her in the air, breaking her legs as they struck off a concrete roof support. He crumpled her now gelatinous body and flung her at an advancing group of bad aftershave wearing, upturned collar motherfuckers. She took them old school. Alex charged at the remainder of the group, arms swinging and shouting obscenities about their mothers. As he collided with the dumbstruck group of assholes, blood, teeth, hair extensions, arms, pink cardigans and stylish shoes went flying everywhere.

Alex looked around at the destruction he had wrought. "Hahahahahaha, I'd like to see Rocky do that". He wiped the blood from his face and picked the pieces of brain from his teeth. He regarded the door to the lecture hall. SMASH! He kicked it and sent it hurtling from its hinges, through the wall and into the adjoining lecture hall. "HAHHAHAHAHA, I am fourth year!" The dorky fuckers already assembled in the class looked up from whatever the fuck it is they were writing and trying to memorise to ascertain exactly who it was that had distracted them from being dorky fuckers. "Turn the fuck around you bleached bitches", roared Alex. "Do I what I fucking told you before I flip you over like a table!". They slowly turned back to their work and began to whisper to each other while throwing snide glances at Alex, who had taken up his rightful place beside The Undertaker.

"Good summer?" enquired Alex. "Fuck it, I had ice cream. Not all bad." replied The Undertaker. "True that" agreed Alex as heir first lecturer waddled into the class. Hedonism Jim. He spent five minutes licking his lips while looking at the bunch of studious, bleached blonde, dork-bitches who where sitting slightly ahead and to the left of everyone else. He then bent his back slightly and began stroking his legs while muttering something that sounded like "Oh jaysus, you look at your ones lovely arse.... the thighs on that, they could break me". Alex jumped on the desk, his arms pointed at Hedonsim Jim, "This isn't a free lunch you drooly-motherfucker! Teach you muck savage!"

"Right, right, education. We'll get started so. This year I'll be taking you from behi.... I mean I'll be taking you for Financial Management II, it's not tough if yo......" Alex interrupted, "WRONG! Wrong fucking choice shitface. Fuck finance and fuck you, you liquid shit eater! Hedonism Jim looked at him quizzically, "Are you a tipperrary hurler, boy?" Alex leapt from his seat sailed through the air with all the prowess of a finely toned ninja being directed by Quentin Tarantinto, grabbed Hedonism Jim, lifted him above his head and SNAP! broke him in half. Alex held him aloft and feasted on the goo that issued from within. Everyone else just looked at each other, "go to the canteen will we?"

The Undertaker looked at Alex, then up to Hedonism Jims corpse. "Pool?"

5 comments:

  1. Jaysus...
    ...feasted on the goo that issued from within...
    That made me turn...
    But accurate account of what will be the first day back at college... definitly. Right down to the descriptions of the steaming assholes that populate the course.

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  2. Okay... I might have to post tonight... I just found out a piece of news that deserves a post and tomorrow will be too late.... so I might do it tonight... but I'll leave it as late as possible.

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  3. Yeah... I turned away from the monitor and went... "UGH!" really loud.
    Made me turn.

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