Wednesday, October 05, 2005

As Good As A Kick

He doesn’t understand. He wishes for fairytale endings and magical authority, without even the briefest moment of self-doubt. To the ceiling he asks for fingers that extend, so he can rid of the television remote and become independent. To change the channel with the flick of his wrist, or stir his icy, cordial mix when a spoon is out of reach, or pick his toes while lying sleepy in bed.
And lazing in his relaxo-max lounger, he clutches his hands close to his breast and wishes for a cooler of beer, permanently chilled and perpetually full; the brand that cleans the teeth when sloshed about the mouth and tickles the nose when sent down the throat. He massages his pants at the clinical thought of wetting his brow with the condensation, and at the satisfying click of the tab breaking open, releasing a fizz that could get a man drunk, were that not the liquids purpose.
But a telescopic digit and lifetime inebriance didn’t satiate his lazy yearning for wish making and groin massaging. His third desire - and final one as is the tradition – must utterly fulfil his every other want, besides that of alcohol and convenience poking. And thus after much deliberation and channel surfing he decides finally upon what most strokes his joy centre.
And with glee, he curls his toes within his browning socks while rubbing his chalkboard arms.
“I wish and wish with all my might, for an awesome sandwich that could win a fight.”
And he acted surprised as if this hadn’t happened before, not yesterday or on his last birthday, no puff of blue smoke materialised his fancy.
“What manner of blackness prevents me my meal?”
He theatrically mocks the appropriate movements: eyes gawping and mouth gaping, suspicious peering and impatient tutting, only to give up and smack his forehead, to relax into the bruised leather.
Tomorrow will prove, like tonight and last night before them, that he will never understand what he needs cannot be blinked into existence. So, on and on he will continue, disappointment following desire until death follows life. One hand down his pants, the other pointing up his nose.


  1. At a brief glance I'm not sure what's going on here. But one thing's for sure. What are chalkboard arms?

  2. I don'r know what chalkboard arms are... but there you go.

    Since when did this love for Tony Jaa begin? Have you seen more than Ong Bak?

  3. My well documented love for Tony Jaa has been documented welly in my "The Most Dangerous Man in the Multiverse" masterpiece.

    But even that's not the whole story.

    Isn't Ong-Bak enough?

    But yes.

  4. No, Ong Bak is enough. Just I didn't get the impression that you were in LOVE with the man after we watched it. Your new man-love for a man seems sudden.
    Anyway, if you must love a man, loving Tony Jaa is probably the best choice you could have made. I am now too intimidated to make fun of you.

  5. Make fun all you want. I knew people would never understand.

    No but seriously, I'm going to drop the issue now, but Tony Jaa is kick ass and I wanted to highlight this fact to all and sundry.

    In other matters, that "chalkboard arms" phrase is driving me ballisto. What does it mean? What could it mean?

  6. I don't know about chalkboard arms but my profile views are jumping at alarming rates recently. It jumped twenty between yesterday and today...
    I think we have some closet readers amongst us.
    It's okay to admit it those who keep silent.

  7. Well since you apparently have three blogs going R-Man that's not surprising.

    This chalkboard arm issue needs to be resolved. I'm fascinated.

    Suggest, closet readers, what chalkboard arms may be. The best answer will be immortalised on Lennon & McCartney.

    Anticipated replies: 0.

  8. Well, I only have one blog going at the mo'... but there are the bones of three there...
    Anyway... chalkboard arms... I think in my mind, the character had black skin, not because he was black, but because he was dirty, and he had scratched lines into the dirt, revealing his white skin. And it looked like lines drawn on a chalkboard...
    But I may be full of shit.
    Alternatively... he has arms that screach when scraped.

  9. Some of you may like this... I am looking at you Daly...

  10. And this one is for Ian:

  11. ? A bull beating the shite out of a few dogs. Why would I like that?

    Get a load of this one:

    It's a news story, with picture, of a python that ate a fucking alligator, whole. And then broke. Seriously, that's where it's at. I may add Pythons to my list. Dudes who can eat anything.

  12. Cool yeah... saw that on yahoo about the same time I saw the heroic bull pushing around those dogs... My hero. My Tony Jaa one might say.
    Good red too...

  13. I'd like to see a bull fight something bigger... like a bear. Although I imagine a bear would beat it in a straight fight, if the bull flat out charged it down it'd be some competition.

  14. Jesus, that's a great idea.... I would love to see that. On television obviously, none of that dangerous real-life shit. Might get a scrape or something.
    But yeah... totally. A charging bull against a big grizzly... awesome.

  15. Check this shit out muthafucka's... for those who might not have appricoated the bull the first time... here it is again, professionalised....

  16. A big muscular bull now. None of those scrawny indian bulls. They claim the cow is a sacred animal, yet starve the bastards. What the fuck?

  17. A mega-bull versus and totally mega-bear... in the wilds with different interactive environments, such as a brick wall they can knock their opponents against... or a river with realistic splash physics...

  18. Well I assume a real river will react realistically.

    I like the bulls chances, if it fights intelligently and doesn't allow the bear time up close it could do some real damage. If the bear manages to pin it though it's all over. I remember reading that a built polar bear can knock a cows head clean off its shoulders.

  19. Are we going to get Polar Bears involved in this because then we can have a snow level with realistic snow physics that is affected by the opponants fighting, like Dead or Alive.
    The Polar bears special move could be making a snow angel... or more realistically, some yellow snow to blind the bull with.
    But I would imagine that a Bull versus a Bear fight would be won or lost in a matter of seconds. Like a hungry python versus a six foot alligator.

  20. Motherfuckers.


    We re-engage at day break.

  21. I see... I guess I'll be seeing the inside of you homestead yet again... I can just hope there are no surprise sexy people around to freak me out....

  22. Ian, for the love of god, fill your house up with sexy ladies and film Rob on his voyage to the centre of your room. I'm puking with laughter at the thought.

    blleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhh. Hfrrrrruuuugugugguuggggggghhgh. *Cough*. Noble.

  23. Yeah he's spin around, flappy arm dance was fucking hilarious. If all goes well it will be downloaded by the time we finish college.

  24. Hmmm, a major grammatical error. That should have been "his".

  25. I haven't read this comment thread but I've read this post. What are chalkboard arms? Nah, not really. Browning socks: what's the deal with those? Are they in perpetual browning motion from the elements on the surface of the floor or is there a more sinister involvement, like heavy water?

    Curioser and curioser.

    I can relate to one hand down the pants except I'm working my way up to two. Changing the channel with my nose is a mere formality.

  26. I still like to keep one hand free. For accepting cups of tea, sandwiches etc.