Friday, November 04, 2005

Hidden History

The Spanish are a jovial people, entertaining the masses with their upbeat music and endearing art house motion pictures. But not much is truly known about their colourful history. That is, until now. I have spent countless hours translating the following account from the ancient Spanish, a language that is almost forgotten in the annals of time, so please forgive any slight errors that I have made.

The turn of the last century brought with it the dawn of a century of warfare, strife and savage conflict. However, very few historians, academics or rank and file citizens are aware of the first battle of this century of warfare. It was a conflict that pitted brother against sister, mother against daughter and father against mother-in-law. It was the Spanish Revoquisition.

The cause of this barbaric clash? The future of Spanish civilization. On one side there was a faction that supported Rodrigo Banderas, a scientist who desired to engineer a supreme actor. An actor who had the remarkable good looks of a latin lothario and the talent of a talented Keanu Reeves. While on the other was Coolio Iglesias, an aging Tony Bennett-like character. He's only remaining goal in life was to breed the worlds most incredible singer, through careful selection of talented couples. Both projects were taken to the Spanish senate for approval. The senate split down the middle, an agreement could not be reached. Almost over-night war erupted across the country.

The followers of Rodrigo Banderas scored astonishing early victories, striking from their homeland in southern Spain they captured Madrid and seized most of northern Spain (traditionally Iglesias territory). Banderas supporters everywhere rejoiced, Banderas troops fought ferociously and successfully. Within weeks Iglesias and his supporters had been routed into their last remaining stronghold - the city of Santander on the coast. To their back was the ocean, to their front was legions of enemy troops. All seemed lost, the only other story to have seemed as bleak is Rocky Vs. The Cylons.

The something remarkable happened. A figurehead appeared from among the taverns and tasteful brothels of Santander. He was charismatic, charming, humourous and as handome as a bag chips after a night on the town. He always dressed in blue - his name was Francisco Franco. He would walk among the orphaned and homeless children distributing candy and kisses., he would behold the shattered ruins of Santanders buildings and weep before bending over and using his mythical fart power to instantly repair them. Hope began to wash over Julios supports, they began to rally together and form an offensive force. The tide was about to turn.

Banderas' forces had become complacent, they were happy to besiege the city and let the inhabitants starve to death. Julios forces stuck out like a flamenco dancer strikes her toned, provocative leg against a wooden dance-floor. By now, however, they were calling themselves Francolytes and fighting to install him as the soverign ruler of Spain.

Banderas' forces began to crumble like a freshly baked muffin top crumbles between the jaws of a ravenous business student. Franco had become a crdible threat. The Francolytes forced Banderas to retreat time and again, it was a barbaric crusade but progress was constant. Eventually Banderas and his forces had been encircled in Fortaleza Queso just outside Cadíz (don't bother looking for Fortaleza Queso on a map as it no longer exists). Banderas consolidated his forces and set up a staunch defense. The Francolytes could not penetrate the defense.

Eventually Franco decided to pay the defenders a personal vist. Under the cover of darkness he was escorted to the centre of the city, to the Banderas HQ although Banderas was nowhere to be found. Franco surveyed the scene. The Banderas high command remained defiant, berating Franco. He grew tired of this and leapt from his chair. He propelled himself through the roof of the building screaming "Hyper-fibre power!" as he ascended into the nights sky. A blinding flash issued forth from what appeared to be his ass. A deafening explosion followed. As soon as the attackers arrayed around the small town regained their senses all that met their eyes was destruction. Franco stood in the middle, laughing.

Some people worried about Francos vicious assault and what it held for the future. Most rejoiced and revelled in their new found peaceful society. They became inspired by promises of Coolios' super singer and the potential he for global dominance it presented. Franco took up his place as the head of state with Coolio at his side.

After 400 days and nights of fighting the country had been reborn. A new society was created, a new day had dawned, a new age even. And this is why every 3rd of Novemeber the Spanish quietly celebrate their New Year.


  1. The only credible threat here is you, Julio...

  2. Lar de dar... Spanish New Year needs more props... more celebrations.... mor PIZZAZZZZZ...ZZZZZZZ..ZZZZZZZ.... more love. SNY (how cool!) is the dogs bollox.... Is it not only on SNY that one can get drunk and masturbate in front of a cow without feeling like a gimp.

  3. Liked the story. It gave me insight into stuff. Spanish stuff I didn't have insight into. 'Twas a good read, indeed.

    You've caused a dilemma with the question you've posed above. I don't know that either 'yes' or 'no' would suffice. I do reckon that a picture (in the mould of the giant question mark looming above Earth) would be good though.