Thursday, December 29, 2005

Suck is Life

"Send me out another one Sam," said the drunk as he slapped his empty glass back down on the bar. "Hey, take it easy buddy... you break it, you buy it," snapped Sam. "Sorry Sam, sorry. Throw me out another, would you?" Sam nodded as he filled the glass back up. He sighed as he sat back down.
"What's wrong Scott?"
"It's my bitch of a wife."
Sam nodded, knowingly.
"She's seeing another man."
"Jesus buddy, I'm sorry. How do you know? You catch them?"
"Yeah."
"And? What did you do to him?"
"Nothing."
"What?"
"Nothing, there's nothing I can do to him."
"Why? He a cop?"
"Nah, worse... he's Superman."
Sam burst out laughing, as tears began to roll down Scott's face.
"Hey guys," he called across the bar, "Get a load of this."

**************************************

"...and I said, "Well, I don't give a fuck if you can tear my arms and legs off. She's my fucking wife and you better get the fuck out or I'll..."
"You'll do what?" he said, "take off your glasses? Bad move. I'll be able to hit you then, fucker"
So I said, "fucking yeah I'll take off my glasses. You'll be in for a big fucking surprise then. Freak."
He laughed and said, "Surprise? I've read the comics, I've seen the films, dick boy. I know all about you. Look, the fact is, your whore of a wife loves me. And your fucking retard of a son doesn't even want to know you after he met me, so I suggest you just get your stuff, and fuck off. There isn't enough room for you here anymore."

"So what did you say to him then?" asked John. Scott looked around at the faces surrounding him at the bar.
"What the fuck could I say. He was right. My own son wouldn't even talk to me. I just grabbed my jacket and found a motel."

"Ooooh," the voices rippled around the bar.
"Pussy, I'd have fucked that bitch up."
"Get the fuck out of here Bruno, I've seen you in a fight. You'd have fucked yourself up."
"Piss off."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Take it outside," snapped Sam. "Let the man get on with the story." He turned back to Scott, "So what you gonna do now?"
"What the fuck can I do? He's Superman, and I'm just a fucking X Man."
"Ex Man, more like," said Bruno.
"Fuck off."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Ok Bruno, just get the fuck out. And don't come back for a few days. Dry up for yourself," said Sam quitely. "Go on, get." Bruno mumbled for a bit, then fucked off. All eyes turned back to Scott.
"I suppose there's one consolation... His film's going to be shit."
"Nah, I don't think it is," said Sam.
"Jesus Sam, would you give me something at least."
"Sorry."

17 comments:

  1. Both suggestible and donator are words.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Donator is no way a word...
    also, I like how bruno may a typographical joke, one that wouldn't translate when spoken... I like that...
    Oh yeah, I like this post... but it may not be good...
    OKAY!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah total quality. If it was spoken it wouldn't make a whit of sense. Unless he spelled it or summat.

    Yeah this ain't great. I don't really like it myself. I was disappointed when I read it.

    Donator is actually a word. Suggestible is, suggestable isn't.

    ReplyDelete
  4. But what I was alluding to, was quality vs. taste. Gettit?
    Gettit?
    You damn ape, you get nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Amusingly, I got it.

    You didn't get that I got it. You damn ape, you get nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cute Overload is mega.

    OH MY GOD!
    You may not believe this but my word verification word is....
    djpoo.
    DJ Poo.
    I think it's a sign. I'm off selling my electric guitar to buy a mixer and a box of bran.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Cute Overload is mega. I'd advise the rest to check it out.

    ReplyDelete
  8. OK dickheads if this is enough warning, I'm going to learn how to play the Bass Guitar. 4 String. I don't know fuck about either others so there it is. It's owwwnnnnn.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Now that is good news... we can start a band, a duo. Neither will be able to play their instrument but we'll make oddly enduring melodies without a drummer.
    So, I guess I'm holding onto my guitar.

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  10. WD-40 dissolves cocaine - it has been used by a pub landlord to prevent drug-taking in his pub's toilets.

    And more here:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4566526.stm

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  11. We'll just get a casio keyboard with a drum sound effect and have it automatically play away in the background.

    I'll give Louis Walsh a shout today so he can be our manager. We're bound to regret that later.

    We should call the band "El Mundo Nuevo"

    TBH, with my stubby fingers there's no way I'm going to be any good at the guitar so we're definitely going to be absolute crap.

    ReplyDelete
  12. 'El Mundo Nuevo is a great idea for a name...
    That or 'The Rapists'... yep...
    One or the other.


    Wait...
    Or 'The Faggots'...

    You know, because bands beginning with 'The' were all the rage two years ago... we can hitch on the bandwagon.

    ReplyDelete
  13. How about...
    'The Yawing Assholes of Sudan' or 'YAS'.

    People will be like 'Hey man, eva hear of YAS?'
    "No man, they good?"
    "Yeah man, YAS fucking rock my balls out my sack. They so good, they dangerous."

    Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm not sure the Sudanese would appreciate it. And they're our target market.

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  15. Heh heh.

    Supes is a dirty bastard. He tried that shit with my girlfriend.

    I just waved a Spin Doctors album under his nose and he fell on the floor crying.

    The prick.

    ReplyDelete