Sunday, January 01, 2006

el año nuevo

Well mothafockas, since it's owwwwwnnnn and this is, in fact, the unofficial Tony Jaa website I thought it would be nice if the first post of the new year was, in fact, about Tony Jaa.

Tony Jaa was born on Krypton, the son of a virgin mother. His birth was attended by some of the universe's most powerful and influential people and animals, including Aslan, Kong and Conan The Barbarian. Shortly after his birth he travelled to Earth, inventing Muay Thai en-route. He perfected the art and was the first person Sagat turned to for advice when Ryu started getting big on the street fighting scene.

'Time' magazine has ranked Tony Jaa as the all-time second most powerful force in the universe. The first being the Big Bang, the third being the theoretical amount of energy expended if Starsky and Hutch were involved in a head on collision with Luke and Bo Duke, at top speed. That same article also mentioned a recent survey in which it was shown that nine out of ten men and women wish they were Tony Jaa, and married to him at the same time, and also that all their children were Tony Jaas. Clinical scientific tests have conclusively proven that Tony Jaa is better than you.

Of his many successes in life, the most recent has been Tony Jaa's ability to fullfil one of the world's most mysterious prophecies... not only did he feed the world, but he also let them know it was Christmas time. There was snow in Africa, and the greatest gift they got this year was to stand in the presence of Tony Jaa.

But it hasn't all been perfect. One of the more recent controversial events occured when a group of devout Tony Jaa fans set up a formal religion as a means to worship him. Called Jaadaism, it set down the tenets of the faith and though it began peacefully it later spawned a hardcore offshoot of Orthodox Jaas. These zealots were linked to several high profile terrorist attacks and somewhat tarnished Tony Jaa's good name. He was outspoken in his condemnation of these attacks and later went on a quest to destroy the Orthodox Jaas. This quest was documented in the movie and book entitled "Jaahad: The Ultimate Schism."

Perhaps most importantly, upon first meeting with Tony Jaa, one really gets the impression of how much of a nice guy he is. Really totally down to earth, froody, together guy. Clearly he hasn't let being the most powerful being in the universe go to his head. Birds alight on his outstretched hands. Children and old woman smile at the sound of his voice, and his record as a hostage negotiator is flawless.

So I'll conclude this piece with a single request to each and every one of my readers. If you watch just one film this year, make it a Tony Jaa film. Make it Ong-Bak.

9 comments:

  1. I rank zero on the list of the most powerful forces in the universe...
    Zero is higher than one isn't it???

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  2. Aaah, you're trying for a technicality. Well unfortunately, no, for these lists it's accepted that it's the set of postive integers that's called into action, so as not to confuse the simpletons. Zero doesn't appear in that set, or therefore on the list.

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  3. Damn. Foiled by maths.
    Say, going along with my idea though, excusing that the list would be made from positive integers, would minus one be higher than one?

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  4. In some mathematical dream world perhaps. A dream world where everything was incorrect. But a world none the less.

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  5. It's a variation on the word "Frood", meaning "Really amazingly together guy."

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  6. Frood. Tony Jaa is most certain frood, with a bullet.

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  7. He's no Seagal.

    Belly of the Beast. Perhaps the greatest action film of our generation.

    ~coughs~

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  8. I think we're all thankful of the fact that he's no Segal.

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