Thursday, January 12, 2006

Far Flung Hope. Dashed.

Adama opened his eyes and drank in the hysteric bridge. Junior grade officers were slitting their wrists while the women-folk present wept uncontrollably. "I am ADAMA!" he bellowed suddenly. Colonel Tighs head instantly exploded while everyone else appeared to be frozen in space time, the only sign that they weren't was the coolant pooling under the bitch cylon. Adama rose to his feet and peered quizzically at the two gaping bullet wounds in his chest. "I am ADAMA!", he roared at the wound. Immediately the blood that had gushed from his wounds on to the floor and table began to rush back into his body, the two bullets lodged in his chest tentatively reappeared and thrust themselves back down the barrel of the weapon from which they had been discharged. "ADAMA!!!"

Upon seeing this sight most of the bridge crew dropped to their knees and either shit their pants or began to pray..."Our Jaa who art in movies, hallowed be thy fists. Chuck will come and all will be done."

Feeling rejuvenated, Adama approached the bitch-cylon. "Me no likey bad bitcy" he proclaimed. She cowered in fear, constantly repeating "Does not compute, ah, I am a robot. Ah, I am robot, doesnt not compute." Adama laughed, "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." He stretched out his pylon-like arms and took a hold of her cyber-cranium, "Bitch, I'ma gomna fuck you right up, yeah, right up bitch. I am DON JOHNSON!" The supernal greatness of the 1980's rushed along Adama's arms and directly into the machines database-brain. Adama began to shout, "DON JOHNSON, eternal in the past, eternal in the future, eternal in the galaxy. Feel it bitch, taste the JOHNSON!"

Smoke began to rise from the cylon whores' head, "This system has performed an illegal ope...." KABOOM! She exploded in an inferno of coolant and cylon-made boobies. Uproarious applause broke out on the bridge. Adama looked at his adoring crew, "That was diddly-squit, I am ADAMA!". The cheering that ensued was deafening. Adama erupted in laughter, "Now it is time to impress you peons!". He strode towards the door, drew level with the metallic barrier and regarded it with disdain, "ADAMA!", the door popped off its hinges, spun in the air and POOF it was gone. Adama set off for the nearest air lock, followed closely by his band of followers, hangers on, fashion consultants and a brass band.

Adama reached the air-lock. By now president Roslin had heard of Adama's legendary resurrection and was waiting for him at the air-lock wearing nothing but a smile and those alarmingly stylish glasses. Adama regarded her with a mischievous smile while she sucked on her index finger. Adama began to speak, "Bitch, please. I am fucking ADAMA! ADAMA!" Do you understand that? ADAMA! I am not even worthy enough to masturbate. ADAMA!" With this final bellow a curious expression spread across Roslins face and BAM! She transmuted into Antoinette Jaa, the genetically engineered super female. "YES!" exclaimed Adama. "Finally I can get lucky."

He returned his gaze to the air-lock. "Lets get fucking busy up in this bitch" he said and with that Toni Jaa approached him, "not you bitch, the fucking door. Shit, space-commanders can't get a motherfucking break these days."

Adama spat on the door, disintegrating it into a congealed mess on the floor. He began to address the emptiness of space. "You cylon cocksuckers! Thought you could kill me, eh? WRONG. You better fucking believe its on now, for I am ADAMMMMMMAAAAAA!"

There was a sound resembling the crack of a whip. At that instant every cylon in the universe blinked out of existence. The onlookers passed out, both from lack of oxygen and from the feat of pure greatness they had just witnessed. When they came to Adama was no where to be seen but Toni sure looked like she had been given a good going over.



  1. "Our Jaa who art in movies, hallowed be thy fists. Chuck will come and all will be done."

    We are going to have to do something with this line... work it into the banner or something. Jesus. Funny shit.

  2. "Feel it bitch, taste the JOHNSON!" That's my kinda pun.

    PS I had a feeling there was a bit of 'gina around the corner.