Sunday, August 20, 2006

Predator Man

"Oh Snu-Snu, I love you. I love you Snu-Snu. Oh I love you so much."
"Silence human. You are not one of us. What are you doing on this ship?"
"Oh you're so tall Snu-Snu. Yes you are. Yes you are. I'm here to protect you Snu-Snu. I'm here to protect you. I'm the only one who will. I'm the only one. I love you and I'm here to protect you."
"Silence human. There are Aliens in our midst. I can feel them coming. Prepare yourself."
"Oh Snu-Snu. I musn't be seen. I'm going to hide."
...
"Oh my god. The Alien is attacking Snu-Snu. Oh my God. He's attacking Snu-Snu with his claws. Oh my god. Oh my god. But I must protect my identity."
...
"Oh Snu-Snu. Did they hurt you? Oh my god. Oh Snu-Snu."
"Silence human. I have vanquished my foe."
"Oh Snu-Snu. Look. Where I was standing before the Alien came in. There's some of its acidic blood on the ground. It's a sign. They're coming for me. But I will be ready. For I am a Samurai Warrior and I will be strong."
"Silence human. The creature is dead."
"I will be ready Snu-Snu. I'll fight them and I'll save you. I love you Snu-Snu."
"Silence human. I hear the approach of another."
"Oh Snu-Snu. I have to hide to protect who I am. The Forest Rangers are after me. Fuck them. Fuck them Snu-Snu. Fuck them. They can fuck off. I love you Snu-Snu. I love you. I'm the only one who protects you. Oh Snu-Snu, I'm the only one. I love you. Fuck them. Fuck them all. How dare they challenge me? I love you and they don't care about you. And then they challenge me? Fuck them. Fuck them."
"Silence human. You are light-years from the forests of Earth. Your Forest Rangers are nowhere to be seen."
"Oh Snu-Snu. I got a little angry there. I love you."
"Silence human. The Alien has passed our position. I must track and hunt it in its own warren."
"Oh Snu-Snu. I must come with you. Into the maze. It's the most dangerous place on Earth and I'm the only one who can go in there. I've found a way. I'm safe. I've found a way."
"Silence human. You are light-years away from Earth. You will be utterly destroyed in the Alien hive. But if you still wish to join the hunt then you must first challenge me to single combat. It is a rite of passage."
"Oh Snu-Snu. I'll never hurt you. I'll never never never hurt you. Oh Snu-Snu. I love you and I'll never hurt you. I love you. I'll never hurt you. I'd rather die than hurt you. That's what I want. I don't want to die. I don't want you to hurt me. I'd rather die than hurt you. I love you Snu-Snu. I love you."
"Silence human. Please."

2 comments:

  1. The Rangers are probably too busy preventing grafitti in the Forest of Dean to cncern themselves with trivial matters like alien hive minds or Snu-Snu.

    'I had snu-snu!'

    Capt. Zapp Brannigan

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  2. I didn't get it for a minute. Then I got it. Mission successful.

    ReplyDelete