Friday, September 29, 2006

Irrational Limp

Hey, I have this idea.

Look, I don’t have much time. I have to be at a funeral.

Come on.

Be quick.

See, one time my brother and…

Gah, I’m going.

No, listen. My brother and I were travelling home from town, or maybe work. Sometimes we work together, see.


Okay, that doesn’t matter. We were on our way home by Annacotty, you know. Down by the industrial estate. That road.


Well, when we got to the new bridge there along it, you know the one. Yep? Well, there is a grass, um, verge along the left side between the road and the footpath. A sizable one. Along the length of the bridge.

I know it.

Well, then you know they don’t cut it that often. It’s fucking wild right now, but this happened like a year ago or something. It was wild then too, you know. But we were driving along and from the corner of our eyes, like, we were both looking straight forward, but from over here we both caught this blue shape in the grass. Pressing the grass down. And from the way it lay on the grass or from the way the sun shone on it or whatever, it looked like the body of a child. It looked like a blue, um, dress or whatever.

What the fuck?

Exactly. And we must have had the same thought at the same time because as I was going hum-and-haw over this, my brother was slowing down. There were no cars behind us. I think there was one ahead of us. They kept going. But…

Maybe you could just write this down or something? I’m going to be fucking late here. How about it?

Look, I have to say this to someone.

Okay. Just… Just fucking hurry.

Yeah. Anyway, we saw it and hummed and fucking slowed down, as you like, and my brother asked if I saw that. A girls body. And I was just trying to be logical as usual. Oh. A girls body. Couldn’t be. Sure looked like one, though. Nah, couldn’t be. No. But he turned the car at the left turn just there after the bridge to have a look, okay.

And was it?

Well, before we found out, as the car was turning and going back, in those few seconds, something happened. I started to think about what would happen if it was the dead body of a girl. What would happen, or what should be done more like, if we found a little body like that tossed at the side of the road? Who would we ring? What processes would we go through? What if she was murdered? Would we be suspects? Would we be interrogated and have our DNA swabbed? How would I be affected mentally? Probably not well. I don’t exactly have a cherry flavoured, um, outlook as it is. But-But a million of these questions flashed through my mind in seconds.

So fucking what?

So fucking what? Have you ever asked yourself these questions? You know. Like what would happen if you woke up in a strange bed covered in blood without a notion of how you got there?

That old chestnut? I have yeah, but ideas like that don’t do nothing but waste time. And give me rock hard ones, you know. Ha-ha. Jerk off all night.

Okay. But have you ever asked yourself that question as you lay in a hotel room before going to sleep? You know. Asked it in a situation where it could actually happen, where in just a short amount of time this idea you have could turn real.

Well one time I asked myself what would it be like to be sucked off by a playmate while I was in some mansion somewhere. Ha-ha. Jerked off all night. Woo.

Jesus H. fucking Christ.

Look, I have to go.

But I haven’t gotten to my idea. Well, it’s less of an idea than a question in itself but…

Just ask it, would you?

Okay, okay. Here it is. Could a thought, um, not native to the thinker, actually change that person? – is my question and my idea.

What in fuck do you mean by that? Like could someone grow gills by thinking about it? Or an extra leg? Or a bigger dick that could be an extra leg? For instance.

No, not change someone physically. Change them mentally. Change their character or personality so they are not the same… I dunno, beer guzzling, movie watching, plane flying person they were. But different. Maybe an asshole like you.

Who flies a plane?

Just think about it. Someone in a car crash could come out the other end a different person easy. But imagine someone just thinking about being in a car crash while they drive. And they think about it so hard and in so much detail that the idea changes them. They change as if the accident actually happened. “What if I was in a great bloody car crash?” And crack. They never smile again. And walk with an irrational limp if you like.

Wait a second. Wait a fucking second.


You mean if I go to this funeral and ask myself, say while standing over the corpse, “What if I was dead?” And just thought about it and looked at this corpse and asked myself that… I could turn dead?

Yeah. What if?

Fuck you Meehan.

It was just an idea man. Jeez. Eat a cookie. And oh. It wasn't a dead girl or a dead anything. It was just a jumper some tinker probably threw from a car.

So, this conversation was just a shit waste of time, then.

Well no. It was about the...

Whatevs! Slainté man. I'm gone.


  1. Entirely possible, I believe.

    Shame it wasn't a dead girl.

  2. I'm sick of seeing this fucking post... sick of it to my gills which are next to my balls.

  3. This puts me in mind of that film Millers's Crossing because it has a similar section to it