Sunday, June 03, 2007

Dr. Popeye & His Women

I have found I don’t like old women with long hair. They are sexualised and will steal your wristwatch as you rest, lame on junk. Even as they comfort the hairy arm with soft, veined strokes, they undo the buckle and cackle into your exposed ear. Smack breeds’ well-being and you cackle along as if floating above a picnic.

One word of advice is to keep track of time, even if your plan is to remain inactive for a week or more, riding euphoria, a mimicry of endorphins. Without the watch, you may feel lost in the haze and prone to excited violence. Scratch a line for each day into the wall beside the toilet bowl for reassurance. Keep one finger pointed at your marks and avoid eyestrain.

Women can be useful, however, as alarms. Their peculiar mix of organs co-operate and form sensitive measuring equipment designed to shudder and sweat, sometimes squeak, when near danger. Confronted by an American in the Bretagne Region, remain attentive to your partner’s body language. Pack soft footwear and stay light of foot. Know the maximum weight you can carry and factor your apparatus's weight into any journey. She may not want to run if horny children are present. She may need to be carried.


  1. I should note that this was more or less inspired by The French Connection 2.
    I ripped that shit off.
    And also, a bit from Spiderman 3 where Aunt May let her hair down. God damn.

  2. Outrageous George4:24 pm, June 06, 2007

    You horny child