Sunday, June 10, 2007

Forgotten How To Blog?

My steps to a blog post.

Step One: Have an idea
Ideas can be a theme, an element, a sentence, or a word that inspires you. They can be these things and more, but one is only a seed. More than one becomes a post. Does writing about monkeys falling from trees make you laugh? Try comparing that to your last relationship. You’ll laugh harder.

Step Two: Be Comfortable
Loosen your belt or drink some water. Imagine a beautiful woman. Now imagine her naked. Stretch before sitting and smoke a cigarette. Declare yourself to the empty room. Sit at the optimum distance from the keyboard or typewriter. The optimum distance varies by person. Arm length is a factor.

Step Three: Start as you mean to go on
The opening sentence is crucial in that it sets the tone for you, the writer. Writing is a lonely exercise. Being selfish is okay when one finds no comfort in company; it is essential when one is a writer.
Ignore any pretensions to entertaining the audience. Writers who consider the audience when working never transcend themselves or the art. They only perfect having a ceiling.

Step Four: Be Prepared to Stop
A good post ends when it should. If the opening sentence is a complete idea, perhaps you should consider posting it as it is.
It is worth noting, if you find yourself on the third page of a monologue with no end in sight, you may not be writing, you may be complaining. Contain that to a personal diary or just store it on your hard drive. Existing readership, if any, will thank you by not fleeing the scene of your crime.

Step Five: Re-re-re-re-read
Before posting read for mistakes, repetition, clich├ęs, hocus-pocus, empty gestures and feigned interest. Your post is a series of sand weights suspended over a river. Find which weights create an imbalance and cut them away.
You won’t save lives with this step but it may make you heart lighter.

And post.

3 comments:

  1. The five commandments of blog. Finally.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dickface! I wish... no wait.
    YOU WISH! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Genius.

    ReplyDelete