Sunday, June 10, 2007

Forgotten How To Blog?

My steps to a blog post.

Step One: Have an idea
Ideas can be a theme, an element, a sentence, or a word that inspires you. They can be these things and more, but one is only a seed. More than one becomes a post. Does writing about monkeys falling from trees make you laugh? Try comparing that to your last relationship. You’ll laugh harder.

Step Two: Be Comfortable
Loosen your belt or drink some water. Imagine a beautiful woman. Now imagine her naked. Stretch before sitting and smoke a cigarette. Declare yourself to the empty room. Sit at the optimum distance from the keyboard or typewriter. The optimum distance varies by person. Arm length is a factor.

Step Three: Start as you mean to go on
The opening sentence is crucial in that it sets the tone for you, the writer. Writing is a lonely exercise. Being selfish is okay when one finds no comfort in company; it is essential when one is a writer.
Ignore any pretensions to entertaining the audience. Writers who consider the audience when working never transcend themselves or the art. They only perfect having a ceiling.

Step Four: Be Prepared to Stop
A good post ends when it should. If the opening sentence is a complete idea, perhaps you should consider posting it as it is.
It is worth noting, if you find yourself on the third page of a monologue with no end in sight, you may not be writing, you may be complaining. Contain that to a personal diary or just store it on your hard drive. Existing readership, if any, will thank you by not fleeing the scene of your crime.

Step Five: Re-re-re-re-read
Before posting read for mistakes, repetition, clich├ęs, hocus-pocus, empty gestures and feigned interest. Your post is a series of sand weights suspended over a river. Find which weights create an imbalance and cut them away.
You won’t save lives with this step but it may make you heart lighter.

And post.


  1. The five commandments of blog. Finally.

  2. Dickface! I wish... no wait.