Another Story by Kelly

As my eyes opened my brain felt the searing pain, which could only be the result of natural light. I didn’t know where my wallet was or my phone. In fact, I was pretty sure I didn’t know where I was! I thought perhaps having one for the road should be grounds for summery execution.
As my eyes finally focused after many aborted attempts, I confirmed that yes in fact I didn’t know where I was. Still after a quick check I confirmed no visible wounds or missing limbs and so declared the night before an unmitigated success. As I struggled to sit up I couldn’t help but feel there was something a miss? Here I was sitting in a field looking at an abandoned single roomed house. Not my usual Sunday morning! Still the fact that I could sit up was an advantage over most Sundays.
A few more minutes pasted by as I struggled to piece together the shattered remains of my memories of last night. I suddenly noticed a young woman lying roughly 100 meters up the field. ‘She is wearing more clothing then I like,’ I thought but perhaps she can help me figure out where the hell I am and how I got here?
As I struggled to my feet I noticed that she was also getting up. She was quiet attractive but had a slightly sneering expression, but I did notice that she had her good points.
“H... Hello” I slurred struggling to keep my balance. “I appear to be a little lost and I am unsure how I got here. Could you per chance enlighten me?”“House” she said.
“Ahhhhhh, not quiet sure what you are trying to tell me” I said.“House” she said again pointing to the abandoned house in the corner of the field.
Without another word she started walking towards it. With nothing left to do and the chance off falling down a distinct possibility I decided to follow.“Not really a talker, are you?” I said as we walked. “Perhaps we should walk away from the strange looking abode. The opposite direction looks quiet nice”.“House” she said again.
“God damn it woman, what the hell is wrong with you? All I want is some civilized coherent conversation about what the hell is going on and all I get from you is HOUSE. This is just great I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with a woman who has the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey”.She simply ignored me and continued to walk. When we reached the house we could see it had stood for quiet a number of years. It had Stone walls, a mud floor and no evidence of any windows.
“Hallo” I shouted which earned me an evil look from my companion.”What?” I said as she walked into the house. As we looked inside the house, we noticed evidence that some one had been there recently: a half-eaten chicken leg and some rags. ‘Could be a hobo’, I thought, ‘or an escaped lunatic?’
Suddenly I heard a noise from outside. I rushed out only slightly behind my female companion and turned to hear footsteps walking along the side of the house. I crept up to the corner where the footsteps were approaching.
‘I don’t know what is walking towards us but there is no way I am going down without a fight’ I thought as I hear the person approach the corner. I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this unknown enemy. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought ‘oh ya, lets see you chop me up with an axe after this, you escaped lunatic?’ When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six-year-old girl now lay sprawled out on the ground.
My first thought was that I should really aim my punches higher as that one would merely have hit a fully grown axe welding lunatic in the chest. And my second was how the hell did a six year old girl get out here?
“What the hell are you doing you idiotic moron. How the hell does a simpleton like you even remember to breathe?” said a voice from behind me. I was shocked to realize that it was the voice of my female companion.“Wha...” I said.
“Is that all you have to say for yourself” She shouted, “ you just punched my six year old girl in the face and you can think of nothing better to say then WHA.”
“Ahhh” I muttered.
“Ahhh” she mimicked “Suddenly you have the linguistic abilities of an intoxicated monkey? What in the hell is wrong with you?”
“I thought you didn’t talk?” Which at that moment I felt would have been a good think.
“I didn’t say anything earlier because I had just woken up in a field, my daughter was missing and a drunken idiot was staggering towards me staring at my chest.”
“Oh right. I was just checking to see if you were all in one piece.”
“Yes and we both know what piece you mean. I’m taking my daughter in side to clean her up do you think you can work on figuring out where we are?”‘Gods’ I thought ‘I punch one six year old in the face and suddenly I’m the bad guy.’
Still perhaps a little exploring will help clear my head. As I walked away from the house I heard an ear-shattering scream of terror from inside. I turned and ran in the door to see……….
As my eyes opened my brain felt the intense pain, which could only be the result of artificial light. I didn’t know where my wallet was or my phone. In fact I was pretty sure I didn’t know where I was! On second thought I realized I was still in the toilet of the pub. ‘Shit’ I thought ‘maybe I should head home’. But on second thoughts perhaps I should have one for the road?

My First Fan Mail - From Kelly

How Rob,
In response to my own comments on A Stupid Story about a Short Man. I decided to inform you of the reasons for my comments as I did like the story. It was because of an event which happened to me a few weeks back (unfortunately I only have story's of child beating or porn, you decide which one this is):
I noted as I drove into town that this day was going pretty well. An early start, a good breakfast, I had found 10 euro on the ground beside my car and now I was going into town to purchase my favorite monthly adult magazine.
As I swung into the area where I normally park I could have sworn I saw a dingbat fly past. Preposterous, I thought, as I'm pretty sure they are extinct. I parked my car in the usual spot and proceeded to strut from one side of Cruises Street to the other. I soon grew tired of the strange looks the bog brained teenagers were throwing me and decided to complete my errands and leave town before things turned out as they usually did.
Humming to myself I imagined the pleasure I would soon receive from my up and coming purchase and made my way to the shop which held my prize. As soon as I reached it I headed for the back shelf where upon the top shelf my magazine lay. As I walked to the shelf I was almost knocked over by an extremely annoying looking man who simply walked on.
"Retard", I said and then noticed that he had walked over to the shelf which held my magazine and had picked up the only copy.
"Excuse me but you appear to have picked up my magazine", I said confident in the knowledge that as soon as he realized his mistake he would hand it over.
"Oh I'm sorry" he said smiling. Gods I thought, he really does have an annoying face.
"But I think a bumbling moron like yourself does not deserve a magazine of this quality. Perhaps a filthy shite, as you obviously are, can make do with a coloring book or some other item which better suits someone of your intelligence."
Seething with rage I thought "beat him" but soon dismissed this as pointless and a little lude. Instead I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought who is the protagonist now? When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six year old girl had inadvertently walked between my intended victim and my fist and she now lay sprawled out on the floor.
In the few moments I had before the inevitability of her parents taking turn to pummel me into a bloody mess I couldn't help but wonder why every trip into town ended this way?
After some unpleasantness I finally made good my escape and returned to my car only to discover that some witless dumdum had boxed me in. I took a moment then to reflect on how bad my day had become. My reflection was interrupted as the owner of the offending car returned. I turned to glare and perhaps shout a profanity or two when I noticed it was that same annoying asshole from earlier.
He looked at me and said "Ah dumdum I see you are going home to mommy. I didn't think they let bumbling morons like you drive".
Incursion I thought as I walked towards him. I looked him square in the eyes and said "Fin" turned laughing I walked away.
It was only after a dozen or so steps that I realized two things. One I actually wanted to go home and I was now walking away from my car. And two I still didn't really know what Fin meant? As I paused to ponder my latest predicament I couldn't help but think that all of this could have been avoided if only Eason's stocked more than one copy of Gardening plus!