Friday, March 25, 2005

A Startling Display of Ignorance

Terri Schaivo. An unfortunate woman caught between the morals and ethics of two groups of people who care less about her rights and more about getting their own ignorant voices heard on national television. This issue has divided middle america, who are desperate to find anything to take their minds off the justified war in Iraq. In case you haven't heard of this tragic incident, I will quickly detail it.
Before I begin, though, I must state this information is based on what I gather in my bunker deep underneath an Alabama mountain, so please, excuse any minor inacuracies.
Mrs. Schaivo died, unnaturally early, seven years ago. Since then, she has been in cryo-genic freeze, or human storage, awaiting fate. The government want to reanimate her and mutate her into an indestructible fighting machine. A 'universal soldier' of sorts. Her husband Michael Schaivo, a simple man, is fighting to have her buried. So far, the government has a strangle-hold on the situation and, officially, has the rights to her right hand on which they have already began the transformation. If you haven't seen it folks, the sight of her hand scuttling around the high school they have repremanded as a test ground, killing pretty teenage kids, is heartbreaking. So far, Michael Schaivo hasn't commented but Terri's sister, Suzanne Vitadamo, is enjoying the attention the situation is bringing her. Taking time out of the court case yesterday, Suzanne modeled Stella McCartney's new spring range in Paris. Her mother, Mary Schindler, secured a small walk on part in the new Woody Allen movie.
As a journalist, I have an obligation to report the facts only and leave opinions I have at home but I must interject in this distressing situation. Becoming an indestructible soldier isn't a life worth living. Anyone can see that. Jean-Claude Van Damme, one the most vocal supporters of Michael Schaivo, released this stirring statement.
"Fuck you and die"
More eloquent than I can muster at this point, readers. Signing out.

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