Monday, April 04, 2005

Don't Go Chewing In Bed

Thirty seconds ago I swallowed chewing gum and I haven't taken a breathe since. It's stuck in my throat and I don't want to swallow it fully because I don't want to poison myself with gum. I had been chewing it since the start of the Beatles White Album. I don't like the album but I feel I must know it... like an enemy. I'm pale.

I can feel how pale I am like how you can feel someone looking at you. How long has it been now?? 45 seconds probably. I swallowed the Orbit gum only on Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da. That's track four. It still tasted minty and my teeth were starting to feel clean. The song is upbeat and I was doing the robot with the headphone cable wrapped around my body.

I remember buying those headphones in HMV in Dublin. I wanted huge headphones that blocked out all external sound even if I wasn't listening to music. The man in the store guaranteed me this feature and he mentioned the ten metre long cable with a retractor built into it to gather the cable if you needed it shorter... which he assured me "would be very fucking often, buddy". I bought the blasted things without futher question or thought only to find that I could hear everything with them on, including my dad eating. I was enraged and outraged because I couldn't go back to Dublin to return them. Fucking HMV.

I haven't taken a breath in one and a half minutes. I can still feel it in my throat. Maybe I can regurgitate it. Uh, rhurrrr, kcackkk... no. Shit.

IAMGOINGTODIE. Have to rectify this. Go computer. Internet. Google.... Turning red.... Type "Gum swallow bad?".... Fuck.... .018 seconds.... Must click on something.... what to click on?.... life or death.... wrigleys.com.... turning blue... and time slows down. My hand lurches itself to life and moves toward the screen to pluck the information from the interweb. I can practically see it dieing and decaying. Normally a pudgy, stubby thing, my hand now looks like what I imagine a corpses hand looks like after a day in the Gobi desert. My mind sees the hand enter the monitor and begin to swim around primary colored lines of data. The withered hand dances prettily around, fingering the strands which turn to sand and reform more colorful and vital than before. It's beautiful.

Two minutes and seventeen seconds after the gum got stuck, I swallow and take a breath to sink ships because this is what I read:"What happens if I swallow my gum? A lot of people have the wrong idea about what happens if you swallow a piece of chewing gum, so we're glad to set the record straight! Chewing gum has five basic ingredients - sweeteners, corn syrup, softeners, flavors and gum base (the part that puts the "chew" in chewing gum). The first four ingredients are soluble, meaning they dissolve in your mouth as you chew. Gum base doesn't. And although it isn't meant to be swallowed, if it is, it simply passes through your system, just like popcorn or any other form of roughage. This normally takes only a few days."

I am a soldier of fortune fighting the battles of today for tomorrows children. They will make a statue of me and put it in the town centre for everyone to see.

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