Sunday, April 17, 2005

My First Fan Mail - From Kelly

How Rob,
In response to my own comments on A Stupid Story about a Short Man. I decided to inform you of the reasons for my comments as I did like the story. It was because of an event which happened to me a few weeks back (unfortunately I only have story's of child beating or porn, you decide which one this is):
I noted as I drove into town that this day was going pretty well. An early start, a good breakfast, I had found 10 euro on the ground beside my car and now I was going into town to purchase my favorite monthly adult magazine.
As I swung into the area where I normally park I could have sworn I saw a dingbat fly past. Preposterous, I thought, as I'm pretty sure they are extinct. I parked my car in the usual spot and proceeded to strut from one side of Cruises Street to the other. I soon grew tired of the strange looks the bog brained teenagers were throwing me and decided to complete my errands and leave town before things turned out as they usually did.
Humming to myself I imagined the pleasure I would soon receive from my up and coming purchase and made my way to the shop which held my prize. As soon as I reached it I headed for the back shelf where upon the top shelf my magazine lay. As I walked to the shelf I was almost knocked over by an extremely annoying looking man who simply walked on.
"Retard", I said and then noticed that he had walked over to the shelf which held my magazine and had picked up the only copy.
"Excuse me but you appear to have picked up my magazine", I said confident in the knowledge that as soon as he realized his mistake he would hand it over.
"Oh I'm sorry" he said smiling. Gods I thought, he really does have an annoying face.
"But I think a bumbling moron like yourself does not deserve a magazine of this quality. Perhaps a filthy shite, as you obviously are, can make do with a coloring book or some other item which better suits someone of your intelligence."
Seething with rage I thought "beat him" but soon dismissed this as pointless and a little lude. Instead I went into a crouch, clenched my fist, closed my eyes and with the force of a Mac 10 being fired at point blank range I swung my fist at this asshole. As I felt the satisfying crunch you only get with a fist impacting on a human face I thought who is the protagonist now? When I opened my eyes I was shocked to discover that a six year old girl had inadvertently walked between my intended victim and my fist and she now lay sprawled out on the floor.
In the few moments I had before the inevitability of her parents taking turn to pummel me into a bloody mess I couldn't help but wonder why every trip into town ended this way?
After some unpleasantness I finally made good my escape and returned to my car only to discover that some witless dumdum had boxed me in. I took a moment then to reflect on how bad my day had become. My reflection was interrupted as the owner of the offending car returned. I turned to glare and perhaps shout a profanity or two when I noticed it was that same annoying asshole from earlier.
He looked at me and said "Ah dumdum I see you are going home to mommy. I didn't think they let bumbling morons like you drive".
Incursion I thought as I walked towards him. I looked him square in the eyes and said "Fin" turned laughing I walked away.
It was only after a dozen or so steps that I realized two things. One I actually wanted to go home and I was now walking away from my car. And two I still didn't really know what Fin meant? As I paused to ponder my latest predicament I couldn't help but think that all of this could have been avoided if only Eason's stocked more than one copy of Gardening plus!

12 comments:

  1. Oh I miss broadband, it seems whenever I want to do anything, all sorts of Error messages appear, even when I go to leave this comment I had to try it a second time.
    Now Mycokemusic.com is acting up, I want the new gorillaz song.
    "Thank you for your order.
    We hope you enjoy your purchases and come back again soon." Said Play.com, followed by,
    "Revenge Of The Sith

    In Stock

    £11.49

    1

    £11.49"

    Im looking forward to reading this before the film :-)

    Oh yeah, the comment...

    That was good rob, well done, very entertaining, keep up the good work.

    Phant!

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  2. I did not, in fact, write this. Despite my history of making shit up, I was telling the truth when I said this was fan mail. Well, not fan mail in the strictest sense of the term, but I did receive this through e-mail. From Neil Kelly, a hero with a football, a legend with women, a genius with words. Bow down and suck his toes.

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  3. Yeah Rob, you can remove me from the list of contributors.

    I can't follow that.

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  4. I'm not going to remove you, Daly. You'll post something, sometime. And it'll kick ass.

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  5. Yeah, Daly, post something!!! anything. ;)

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  6. Dont give into to the peer pressure Daly, I kind of like that you dont post. It's like you're this enigma sitting in the corner, observing, with your arms folded, waiting to unleash the mother of all posts when we all least expect it.

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  7. Look at those last three avatars. A normal picture sandwiched between a transexual hand and an ANGRY drawing. Jesus Christ, I LOVE IT.

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  8. I do too.
    Don't take it badly, Daly. I said post. I didn't say when. :P

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  9. Hello robert, i am M.
    You and your associates are indeed verbal monsters. I have only recently dawned as a soul to walk among men and am still very much the worm in the afterbirth, as it were. I had hoped to compose a poem for you but have instead opted for one written a very long time ago.

    Open are the double doors of the horizon,
    Unlooked are it's bolts.
    Clouds darken the sky
    The stars rain down
    the constellations stagger
    the bones of the hell hounds tremble
    the porters are silent
    When they see this king
    Dawning as a soul among men.

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  10. I was personally insulted by the fact that someone thinks I made that story up! You can't make shit like that up! Just ask the six year olds parents?

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