Sunday, August 21, 2005

Closure II

"Where exactly are we going Ian?" Pierre asked me. "To the Meehan, the Meehan means progress today." we sped through the country-side, raced through cityscapes and tumbled over fields. Dusk was beginning to settle over the country as ground to a halt outsie the palatial Meehan compund. I leaped out of the truck and grabbed the hitler shark on my way towards the huge gates barring our entrance.

"You fucking fairy! Open the damn gates before I blast them open with mind-candy!" I scream. The gates slowly grind open and Meehan sticks a tousled head out. "Ian, its 8.30, I was going to bed. Look, I have my milk and everything" "Shut up, no time to complain now, we are battling against time" I look around the dusty courtyard of the sprawling compound. The undertaking business has been kind to the Meehans. It has provided an ample source of money and food. I spied Pierre heading towards their custom built mortuary. I looked back at Meehan, who is standing there holding a glass of milk in one hand and clutching at his crotch with the other hand. "Give me your milk." He hands me his milk. "Now go to the toilet and on the way back bring me some sellotape, super glue, a hammer and a stapler. Oh and a shot-gun. Just in case." Meehan bounded off towards the main residence, like a male rabbit chasing a sexy female rabbit during rabbit mating season. I turned on my heel and jogged towards the mortuary.

I slowly stepped into the chilled, darkened mortuary. Ever since I was 7 and my grandmothers corpse had fallen from her casket and pinned me to the floor for 15 minutes untill my uncles could pry her off me and stuff her back into the casket I hadn't liked dead people. Pierre was wrestling with a rather large, oak coffin. "This is the one?" I ask.

Meehan came bursting through the door, panting and clutching most of what I had asked for. "I couldnt find any sellotape so I got blu-tack and tippex" I looked at him. "Thats ok, give me the hammer". I take the hammer and smash the shit out of the coffin. Meehan dropped his pants in surprise at what is revealed inside. From the wreckage of the coffin I pull Hitlers body, the top of his skull neatly removed. I drag the body to the centre of the mortuary. "Pierre, the bag", He tossed the bag containing the sharks brain to me, I caught the bag and emptied the contents into Hitlers cranial cavity. I applied very generous amounts of super-glue around the brain to secure it postion. "Blu-tack" Meehan handed me the blu-tack. I looked at Pierre who was rummaging in the remnants of the coffin. "Find it?" "Oui" he replied and tossed the crown of Hitlers skull to me. I ran a layer of blu-tack along the detached crown and stuck it back on. "Stapler" Meehan handed me the stapler. Meehan was beginning to become himself again, his eyes were alive with wonder and his pants were back where they should be. I took the stapler and stapled the skull back together for good measure. Meehan looked at me, held up the shot gun and asked "What about this?" "Ah yes, the vital igredient, thanks for reminding me" I took the shot gun, kicked shark-zombie-hitler on this his stomach, stuck the gun up his ass and shot that fucker back to life. Now thats re-animation. Pretty soon shark-zombie-hitler was up and trying to get used to walking in a straight line. That was the only problem with using a hammerhead brain, it kept wanting to go either left or right, not straight.

We emerged back out into the encroaching night. Hitler-Hammerhead was splashing in the pool, ranting about secret weapons to win the war while Meehan repeatedly pummeled the shit out of shark-zombie-hitler. Pierre looked at me and smiled, before disappearing into the night. Meehan picked up a rock and really had some fun. I went to the toilet.

8 comments:

  1. This is fucking woeful. I think I must have shit all my talent and good ideas down the toilet. I can only beseech you all for forgiveness.

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  2. I dunno about that... I chortled... I giggled... Some spelling mistakes that took me out of the wonder... But there is something inherently great about Shark Hitlers and Hiter Sharks....

    And way to reanimate... OH YEAH.

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  3. No apologies required. There was laughter over this side of the world as well.

    I've a few dead people who'd I'd love to reanimate. Thanks for the tip.

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  4. The fall of the pants must reveal the virus.

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  5. Shit... a wiley virus... what the fuck am I to do with my pretty self....

    But 'the fall of the pants will reveal a virus'.
    Eh, sounds like a teaser trailer for a new blog... or something.

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  6. I want to emphasise the 'Or Something' in the last comment.

    OR SOMETHING.

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  7. Or Something == Gonorrhea?

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  8. Quite possibly Daly... quite possibly...
    Fuck....

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