Thursday, August 11, 2005

Closure, Part I

I scrambled back down the make shift rope ladder I had created clutching Hitlers brain close to my chest. "A fucking dolphin!" I thought to myself. "Meehan you fucking fairy!" I scream behind as I dart into the night. I have to find a suitable shark otherwise my soujourn on the island will have been worthless.

I rendezvous with Pierre. "To the ocean my friend, to the ocean". We drive for hours through the inky blackness of night, all the time listening to the rythmic hum of Hitlers brain. I am growing sleepy and feel my body begin to sag, before I drift off completly I am filled with relief that I am indeed alive "I wasted all those motherfuckers" I think before finally succumbing to sleep.

I wake with the smell of sea air in my nostrils. I look to the east and see the first glimmers of dawn battling its way over the horizon. 4.50 a.m. I turn to Pierre who is still intent on the road. "You know for an old guy this son of a bitch really put up a fight" I say to Pierre. He glanced at me briefly. "You should have killed him twice, the cock sucking swine!". I smirk and reply "If we are successful you will be able to kill him as many times as you want."

I wade out into the frigid water and board the boat Pierre had appropriated for us. I powered up the engine and roared out to sea. I was desperately hoping we could find an appropriate subject before the sun reached its zenith. We guided the boat to a known feeding ground. We bloodied the water with chum and awaited the inevitable feeding frenzy.

Within minutes dozens of sharks were circling the boat. I dived in and started firing off my shark rocket everywhere annoying the shit out the grey-finned motherfuckers. One big bastard swam right for me "fuck you shark!" I shouted and punched him in the shark-snout, I was underwater though so only the sharks could understand me. After hours of shark-bating and shark-punching, I settled on a good sized hammerhead and hauled the ugly motherfucker oout of the water and into the boat.

"Quickly Pierre, the brain." I rammed my fist through the sharks head and ripped out his pea-sized brain. I tossed it in a bag as you never know when a shark brain can come in handy. I grabbed hitlers brain out of the bag and thrust it through the cavity in the sharks head. I took some super glue from my pocket and applied it liberally to the gaping, bloody wound. The for good measure I kicked the shark in the fin a few times. "That'll get the fuckers blood pumping" I said aloud. Within minutes the shark was trying to annex poland and kept shoutinf "Icc libe der hauptbahnhof?" My maniacal laughter filled the air. It had worked, stage one had worked! Hitlers brain was securely implanted in a shark, an ugly fucking shark too.

I turned to Pierre, "It is time to move on to stage two." We returned to shore and loaded the shark into the flatbed jeep we had travelled here in. We surronded the shark with salt water and punched it in the fin a few times for good measure. Now it was time to set off for stage two. Things were falling into place, withing hours the world would be a safer happier place. I rejoiced at the thought of Rob not having to kill cheap hookers anymore. But still there was work to be done. Pierre flooed and we took off, heading deep into the west. Adrenaline was beginning to pump.....

13 comments:

  1. Will the cheap hookers kill themselves for me?

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  2. Perhaps, or you may be provided with something more spectacular to kill.

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  3. Woah ho ho... I am getting fucking excited. Like a kitten who was just introduced to... whatever kittens fuck.

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  4. Rage has a cool new name...
    looks like he was reading books in his absence.

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  5. Either books or that yogurt drink shit that has L. Casei Immunitas in it.

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  6. Hi, you have a nice blog here. I'm going to bookmark it right now. ;-)

    I have an ass related site.
    It pretty much covers ass related topics.

    Check it out if you get some time.

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  7. Man, I'd go to an ass related site.
    'Specially if it were Nintendo ass.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am a simple computer program but I am sorry that my lack of a hyperlink has denied you access to the answers to your ass related Questions!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Why Pierre, Ian? any reason? Rob didn't talk about him in your adventures, if I remember well.

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