Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Fire Fighting Man

Asleep, in my pants, in the firehouse. Drool, drool, drool. WEE-HOO! WEE-HOO! WEE-HOO! ALARM. Fire. Yes... Bound out of bed. slide down pole. Screech. "Stay Alive, helpless ones. We're coming". Slide on uniform. Hop on fire engine. Race to fire, through busy city streets. Weeeee. Love the wind through hair. Heart beats fast. SCREAM up to burning house. Oh fire HOT. Burn sky black. "Get out of the way, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a fire fighter. You do not realize the danger. Out of the way." Flames lick the door and window frames. Lap lap lap.

Hose down the front door. "Get in." Bust through door into fire hotter than sin. Ooooooooo HOT. Where to go... Can't see anything. Rub Visor. "IS THERE ANYONE HERE TO BE SAVED?" Only sound, crackle of burning timber. Oh my God, did I just hear that? "Wah wah wah!" Helpless baby alert. Quick, run, up stairs... stairs destroyed. "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh." Baby hanging from broken stair edge. "Hold onto the edge baby, we're here". "Wahhhhh... boo boo." Flames creep around... OH NO!.. BABY HANGING FROM ONE HAND. FUCKIN' RRRUUUUNNNN OUT. "Is there anyone missing a baby?" Argh.... No time. Grab fire ladder. "DON'T YOU LET GO BABY, I'M COMING." Sprint into house, breathing difficult, helmet off. "WAH! BOO! WAH!" Baby holding on by one finger. "Boooooo boooooo". Throw ladder across gap, sweating. Grab for baby. Baby slips into deep void, screams and dies a really horrible death.


  1. I've always said Hollywood could with more baby deaths.

    Also, did you know that firemen (or is it firepeople nowadays?) aren't allowed to grow beards? The facial hair creates a gap between the seal on the respirator and the face so when they are engulfed in flame and smoke, the acrid black smoke of death seeps in and then we have dead baby AND dead fireman. We can always make more babies but firemen are truly special. When I was small I wanted to be either a fireman, a soldier or a police man.

  2. Asleep in pants? I like it, I now declare that like my fire fighting hero's I shall dress myself the night before. This should add 5-10 minutes onto my sleeping time in the morning.

  3. Luckily, I didn't really die. There was a urine soaked mattress below, in the void. I covered my sucky blanket in said urine, protecting my nubile young self from the fire. And I crawled out the doggy flap.

  4. Don't worry; I'll find you, you gobshite. I'll kill you with my bare hands.

  5. This is funny shit...
    So funny I will have to tell the priest all about it in confession.

  6. Would have been funnier if said baby had beenhit by a bus. Everything is more funny if you get hit by a bus.