Sunday, May 01, 2005

The Act of Killing an Animal Part 2

"They skirmished in the heavens until the seventh day of the seventh year. The Lord gave thanks for an opening in the defence of Zeus and the Almighty did butt heads with the Greek deity, driven by such force that their minds fused for but a second and a combined thought did emerged that was the Universe."
The Book of Naheem.
St James Bible 4002 edition.

And God said, "Let there be quiet." His voice was a thousand different fragments of sound. All saying the same thing. All equally contributing to the overall and yet completely distinguishable from each other.
Silence fell over the one billion people present. The largest gathering in human history. For a bacteria, it would have been just another day on the toilet. For the great and powerful human race, it was a special event.
People were burgeoning on happiness again. And happiness was good. At least that is what the recent Popularity Poles suggested. The much respected successors to the Popularity Czechs, who themselves weren't generally appreciated. Despite good self promotion.
The more the anticipation grew the less people were pissed off. And the less people were pissed off, the less they worried about what was bothering them. Everything was fricking great. God was coming. Yippee they thought. Now we could get some answers. Like what one billion people would look like standing in one place. And that meaning of life stuff too.
Meanwhile, the media, who were always quick to exploit whatever zeitgeist had captured the publics imagination began producing documentaries exploring every facet of God and generally performing a liquid shit transfusion on the whole affair. And yet despite their noble intentions to produce thought provoking and informative programming, the decay of human morality took its toll. A show dealing with the irrelevance of the chance occurrence of things at the same time or place, in such a way as to seem remarkable called, “Coincidences: Calculated by God” was scrapped. Instead a young boy wrapped in a bow had been planted in Michael Jackson’s hotel room and American Network television stations were keen to film the results for an exclusive Entertainment Tonight special.
Who exactly this edition of the show was being aimed at was in much debate. The most logical answer of course was paedophiles. Executives justified it as a bold move to corner that particular market. While at roughly the same time Michael Jackson was making a bold move to corner the little boy. Who's name, for the record, was Portiqular Marcet.
Because of the amount of people who en masse arrived in the Sahara deserted, Gods choice of
best location for the metaphysical hoe-down, certain unprecedented curiosities occurred.
At 10:47 exactly one hundred and fifty four thousand and twelve people who were standing beside or within one person of each other blinked in unison. At 11.51 fifty six thousand five hundred and forty one people said "rod" at the same time. Twenty three thousand, one hundred and ninety were referring to their penis or the penis of another man. A little after midday exactly one billion people realised that the Sahara desert was a rod suckingly bad place to be standing.
And then it happened. Bang. God.

"Superman lay humbled before the Lord.; "God, you truly are the Superking of kings." And from that day forth people no longer worshipped Calves of Gold, nor Men of Steel."
The Book of Leinad.
St James Bible 4002 edition.

4 comments:

  1. What the fuck happened? Is this like the difficult second album or something?

    Damn.

    ReplyDelete
  2. here, everyone go to http://www.danecook.com click the audio/visual tab and listen to the Voice of Doom, some of the crank calls are pants pissingly funny.

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  3. Hey Hey Everybody,

    I know u guys missed me and my special txt language skills that none of ye seem 2 b able 2 get used of...

    ne way, Im jst bak from Kilkee, the land of limerick people in clare, twas a fine weekend now and Rob you'll be relieved to hear my tan has again darkened so i can lay off on the fake stuff for another few months anyway...

    AND don't worry your little heads about starwars ep III, its all good, Im up to page 100 outta 400 and its all GOOD, no worries guy. The story kicks ass, the action kicks action and ANAKIN kicks ASS

    Thats all, g2g (got to go),

    I'll be back on later, keep blogging happy people cuz its summer TIME!!!!

    Phant!!!

    ReplyDelete