Friday, June 09, 2006

God Fuck America (Part 91)

They're remaking Battle Royale.

I hope to god they cast Nicholas Cage as the disgruntled class teacher.

That way I can get extra fucking angry about it.


  1. Also, it is being produced by Neal Moritz who I had no feelings about for or against until I looked at his IMDB page:
    I now recognise him as the huge pile of dick that he is. Massive dick pile. Battle Royale is going to be under this dick piles jurisdiction, so I estimate total and absolute failure as the only possible outcome.
    I can only imagine that Vin Diesel and Will Smith will turn up at some point to blow each other.

    Other than that, I don't really mind that there will be an American Battle Royale. It's not like we don't already have a perfectly good version (the original) and a shit version (the sequel to the original). I mean Hollywood can't actually add anything fresh to this legacy unless they produce a mediocre version.
    So boo to this.

  2. It's just a shit idea. Culturally the west doesn't have that same ultra-competitive spirit that the east has. How the fuck are they going to explain how the idea of a Battle Royale came about, while still making it not sound shit? It was a bit of a leap in the original but we were prepared to go with it, because it was Japan, and they've got the whole school and rivalry thing, and parent/child themes are popular in the media... and they're weird like that. But in america it just won't make any sense.

    And I can only begin to imagine they way they're going to introduce the delinquents to us. They're going to have to do take some amount of artistic licence. Japanese kids are scary. American kids are fat.

    I just wish they'd leave it the fuck alone. The film has been made. If some yankee bastards won't watch it just because it's Japanese then they should shut up and fuck off. Go back to watching The Dukes of Hazzard movie or something.

    Some of you more apathetic types may be wondering why I get so worked up. I mean, what does it matter if they make the film - just don't watch it. The point is that BR is a great movie. It deserves better than a cheap rip done by some money-hungry fuckers. That's the point. Nothing is fucking sacred.

  3. How about the Seven Samurai remake the Weinstein Company are doing?
    How about it Daly?
    Fucking Ziyi Zhang is signed on already. They have a writer and no director or sense. None.
    I like the Weinsteins but this is just cock robbery.

  4. A link to that:

  5. Since BR2 gobbled balls, who gives a shit? Francise is already ruined by the bastards who created it.
    As for the Seven Samurai, the story has been remade and referenced in so many different forms, from westerns to etc, it doesn't really make a blind scorpion man's dick of a difference.
    Having said that, I retract it.

  6. I can't fucking wait. I can't even imagine how much they're going to fuck this up. God damn, i've got a seething hatred for... *before I finished writing this sentence I checked that link above and the dude makes two good points*

    "But... you can't hope to make a better film [than the orignal]. And to have the film be a "development" item. A film that is being tooled by studio execs with no director attached out of passion... that makes it harder. That they pre-attach Ziyi Zhang... a star I love, but who honestly... isn't Japanese. And just right from the get go, I find that in the annoying side. The whole all asians look the same, Americans won't notice mentality."

    Yeah, no love for the movie, no director, a chinese girl.

    You know what. As I wrote those last few words. All the anger just drained out of me. Now I'm just disappointed.

  7. Well, the story/theme has been rehashed. How bad. But the name Seven Samurai is synonymous with a good movie. Now it'll be linked to a hollywood cheapshot. And that's a shame.

    As for BR2, yeah that franchise was ruined. But it was theirs to ruin. Not some retard yank out to make a quick buck.

  8. Let us pray that Seagal and Vandamme are featured.

    Perhaps Van Damme will save a handicapped child from a burning building.

    Then I can reach for the kleenex for all the RIGHT reasons.